tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-53726475926974298512024-03-12T21:08:44.380-05:00Fuquerie & Other Titillating DelightsKMBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03093696361053735279noreply@blogger.comBlogger78125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5372647592697429851.post-10612270321788743372015-05-09T20:32:00.000-05:002015-05-09T20:32:14.893-05:00Mannequin mannequan'tI found a headless mannequin at Goodwill because fate was smiling on me that day. I've been wanting a mannequin for years now because reasons. We have a mannequin store here in town, but they're a bit pricey. So you can imagine how happy I was to find one for $14.99. My husband was shopping with me and immediately helped me carry it to the register when I said "I need this." There was a second mannequin at the register, waiting to be picked up by another customer. I momentarily felt bad for breaking up the twins, but realized it was better this way as I did not know if I had the space for two mannequins. Better they each get a loving home with plenty of room rather than have to fight for affection.<br />
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Thanks to the help of some friends, I named her Derriere de Milo. She's spent the last few weeks nude behind the sofa, just for lack of getting to do stuff due to the Polaroid Fiasco. However, it's time she earn her keep. As my husband has been gone the past week at some sort of librarian seminar, I decided he needed a proper welcome home. So I got Derriere gussied up in some fancy attire, gave her a new head and accessories, and placed her in his shower, behind the curtain.<br />
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I originally wanted her to be holding an axe. Turns out she has two right arms and holding anything is a problem. I wonder if her twin has two left arms.<br />
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The plan was a success. My poor husband screamed in fright as he flung back the shower curtain. Upon collecting himself, he said "Congratulations, you finally got me."<br />
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<br />KMBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03093696361053735279noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5372647592697429851.post-12372174186109381172015-05-07T15:40:00.002-05:002015-07-16T19:01:37.575-05:00This is the second worst post you'll ever readYou know what I did for my thesis? Wanna know?<br />
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No you don't.<br />
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Seriously, you don't.<br />
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Because I still have nightmares about it.<br />
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Everyone with kids will have nightmares about it.<br />
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<a href="http://www.cracked.com/personal-experiences-1760-5-things-i-learned-infiltrating-deep-web-child-molesters.html" target="_blank">The poor bastard writing the article about my thesis will probably have nightmares too.</a><br />
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I'm afraid he might hate me after all that.<br />
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You know what makes the whole thing worse?<br />
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My adviser fucked the whole class over and didn't seek IRB approval or have us CITI certified.<br />
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My thesis can never be used for any professional anything ever.<br />
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All that work and horror and it was all for nothing.<br />
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Please enjoy this cat gif as a palate cleanser:<br />
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<br />KMBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03093696361053735279noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5372647592697429851.post-45500462578479749162015-05-07T04:51:00.001-05:002015-05-07T04:52:11.044-05:00Some things take a long damn timeLike discovering where I put my left sock, or reading this whiny post, only not as irritating.<br />
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I pretty much abandoned this blog the past couple years. When I'm writing for myself, I will stick with it until the heat death of the universe. When I think I might have any sort of audience, I start making un-expressed promises of content delivery, then instantly procrastinate because it's become A Chore and if there's one thing I have mastered, it's procrastination of anything resembling work. So writing and posting content for others became a chore and I was tired of all the work.<br />
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For one thing, it takes time to reformat Blogger's weird HTML to not put gigantic white space in all the wrong areas when I insert pictures with captions. On a blog where the content is mostly pictures with captions, that takes too much damn time. Time I could be using to find other things to procrastinate. So I found Tumblr and started a Tumblr blog. It was pretty sweet. I just posted a bunch of pictures with caption as individual posts until my queue filled and then screwed around the rest of the week.<br />
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But finding things to take that many pictures of takes time. I'd spend one day a week driving all over the county, looking in thrift shops, flea markets, and antique stores for beautiful and terrible things, then the whole evening downloading the photos, editing them, uploading them, and finally captioning them. As much fun as I had initially, spending that kind of time on something I just did now and then while I was on some other errand or project became draining. I had a ton of content the first four months, but that's because I had taken those photos over years and across multiple states and never posted them. It was easy because most of the work was already done.<br />
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Once I ran out of backlog, I spent more and more time trying to find the same level of fuckery in a relatively small geographic area. It wasn't so bad at first because a lot of places were new to me. When I started seeing the same things over and over in thrift stores, I realized I needed to rotate my locations so I'd see new stuff, even if it meant less content. After a while, even that failed to help. I became quite jaded. Things I would have once taken a picture of were ignored because honestly, how the hell can any Precious Moments figurine stand up to <a href="http://www.gloriousfuquerie.com/2013/02/meet-shelly-clown.html" target="_blank">Shelly the Clown</a>? It can't, is the answer. Nothing can.<br />
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If this was my job or a serious part of my life, I wouldn't complain about the work. Posting fuckery is just something I like to do now and then. I take a picture of a metal goat while picking up milk at the grocery store or go visit some ramshackle antique store in the middle of nowhere while on my way home. Once I went back to school, spending a whole day on fuckery became a problem. The program I was in ran on an accelerated schedule so two months equaled a full semester of regular college. It was ridiculously fast-paced and I got a couple days off every two months if I was lucky. I just didn't have time. On top of that, last year was the home stretch to graduation and I was volunteering at the local women's shelter. Plus I was doing a lot of pro-bono work since I didn't have an actual job. I had to bend space and time just to keep up with actual responsibilities.<br />
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Also, Minecraft. But that relates with the pro-bono stuff, so whatever.<br />
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So basically, I couldn't keep up the invisible demand of my Tumblr blog and I got burned out on fuckery. Also, spending so much time on Tumblr resulted in me hating all my favorite TV shows, much like that intro to Greek and Roman literature ruined my love of mythology for years. Jesus, just reading Tumblr is <i>exhausting. </i><br />
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So I dunno what I'm going to do with this now. I like writing. I write a lot just for shits and giggles. I have been told many times I should write a book, but I'm sure someone told Stephenie Meyer the same thing. I tried writing a book once, but it got to be a Chore before I even started.<br />
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I'm not going to make promises about posting in this blog on a regular basis or anything else. I don't even know if I'm going to bother to keep the damn thing. But if posts show up here now and then, it's just because I felt like writing and apparently am not allowed to write about Derriere de Milo, my headless mannequin, as my final paper even though it <i>totally</i> belongs as a psychology class discussion topic.KMBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03093696361053735279noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5372647592697429851.post-68741571547726231022014-01-01T23:54:00.000-06:002014-05-19T22:51:45.797-05:00I know it's been a shitton of time since the last postI'm genuinely sorry. I underestimated just how much time going back to school would take up. You wouldn't believe how moldy my unwatched bad movie queue has gotten. Good news is, I'll be done this December. Bad news is, that's almost a year away. I'm not going to make promises about posting I can't necessarily keep, especially since I barely have time for flea market and thrift store runs as it is.<br />
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For now, the best thing I can offer is my <a href="http://fuquerie.tumblr.com/" target="_blank">Tumblr</a>. I know, I know, it's Tumblr, but that's where you'll find my fuckery posts. I can put a week's worth of Tumblr posts in the queue in less time than it takes for me to do one post here, which is a huge bonus.<br />
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So please, go there for fuckery updates (there's over 1500 posts, which should give you an idea of all the stuff I didn't get around to posting here) and maybe some day, I'll return here. If nothing else, so I can finish that damn <i>Infection</i> movie.KMBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03093696361053735279noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5372647592697429851.post-80697870693867930862013-09-24T02:59:00.002-05:002013-09-24T03:17:42.971-05:00Bad Movie Afternoon: Infection....the Invasion Begins (Part 1 because of all these images)I'm watching something called <i>Infection....the Invasion Begins</i>. I swear, it's titled just like that. It has two out of five stars on Amazon and is one of the free streaming movies, so it of course is going to be of questionable quality.<br />
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The first few minutes of this movie was an unfortunately dressed woman wandering around a really messy house for what seems like a really long time. There was a note that said "please excuse the mess," which explains everything, naturally. Just not to the audience at this point.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pantaloons are back in?</td></tr>
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Not taking a cue from the fact that the letter directed her towards a clown painting, the unfortunately dressed woman digs through an old chest and finds the journal of someone named Sara Prescott.<br />
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She then wanders back out to her Smartcar, which needs a key fob to get in, but can be started just by saying "car on!" Okay, so my car is over 10 years old and modern car technology might be this far advanced, but I'm guessing not. Especially since she has a conversation with the car, who is able to discover the exact Sara Prescott and deliver coordinates and in no way comes up with 10,000 Google hits for porn.<br />
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After she drives off, the worst CGI future city I've ever seen happens. Seriously. THE WORST. Check this out:<br />
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<i>(You really can't see the terrible details of the terrible CGI city in this window, so please go look at it on YouTube: <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GDXdC8f2As0" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GDXdC8f2As0</a>)</i><br />
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The lady then arrives at the psychiatric hospital and meets an old lady who is totally not a young woman in bad makeup. The old lady creakily asks the previously unfortunately dressed woman, who might be a reporter, if she knows anything about September 9, 2009, which is when the "modern plague" happens. That was a "long time ago."<br />
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And omg! The plague wasn't a plague at all! It was "something not of our world!"<br />
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The reporter is at first shocked, but then decides the old lady is nuts. The old lady insists it was all a conspiracy and elaborate cover up.<br />
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By the way, the reporter is either a terrible actress or has a terrible director. She shows shock by leaning her chin as forward as possible.<br />
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I think this is the part where we go into flashback story mode.<br />
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Oh wait, no. They have to go walk in the garden first.<br />
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Oh wait, no. Flashback story mode. Good thing they were in the garden. That was so useful for the plot.<br />
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So flashback story mode starts with a very confused looking man who may or may not be an alien in human form. I don't think he's supposed to be, but he's not acting like an actual person, so I'm thinking totally an alien.<br />
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He walks into someone's house and discovers all these photos have someone cut out of them. Also, some mail. Then he gets some clothes from a box labeled "Deke." THIS IS FASCINATING!<br />
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On his way out, his mom (?) walks in and scolds him for being there, then orders him out before she calls the sheriff. It reminds me of soap operas. Because all the drama and closing of blinds and pained gasps.<br />
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The scene switches to a bumbly-looking sheriff, who is played by<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0613147/?ref_=tt_cl_t14" target="_blank"> this poor bastard</a>. He instantly does a yokel face and gets in his...sigh...camo-painted SUV and rolls away.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Herp a derp a doo.</td></tr>
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Now we're in the local diner, watching a sweet old guy flirt with a pretty blonde server. Then he goes from flirting to trying to set her up with other guys. However, soon Deke walks in! NOOOOO!<br />
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I guess Deke and the blonde waitress has some sort of history. Everyone in town hates this guy, so the grumpy old Black cook has to lecture everyone on manners and all customers being equal.<br />
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Deke wanders out back to talk to the blonde server, who proceeds to scold him about coming back, thinking people would just forget about the horrible thing he did and blah blah it was terrible and blah blah how could you come back and blah blah WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT!?<br />
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Okay, look. I don't know if the writers are trying to build up to the shock or what, but this whole dancing around is annoying. Sure, unnecessary exposition is annoying too, but it's less annoying than whatever this is.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Deke, I'm very disappointed in that thing you did. Whatever it was."</td></tr>
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Some other dude named Billy walks up and there's the usual shaking of penises until blondie orders Billy to get lost so she can continue to scold Deke some more. Deke is mad because she's seeing Billy, blondie tells him to buzz off, then wanders back inside the diner.<br />
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At that moment, Sheriff Bumblypants shows up for some good old fashioned hasslin'. He starts hasslin' Deke about being back here in this here town after ten long years.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Everyday I'm hasslin'.</td></tr>
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At this point, I'm thinking this horrible thing is probably just Deke knocking blondie up and bugging out. All this drama surely means it's nothing, but then Sheriff Bumblypants drops the M-word. <i>Murder.</i> Apparently, the sheriff takes murder <i>very seriously</i> in his town.<br />
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You know, as opposed to all those other sheriffs in other towns that don't take murder seriously.<br />
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While the two are making eyes at each other, a blonde deputy with some nice boobs (her uniform shirt was unbuttoned down to her waist) calls the sheriff to report some strange goin's on. He agrees to drop his hasslin' and goes to check it all out. Deke stares sadly at an engagement ring.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Something tells me her uniform is out of regulation.</td></tr>
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Sheriff Bumblypants grumpily arrives in a random field and complains that police work is taking away from his quality Deke hasslin' time. Random local, Mr. Davenport, shows him some sort of meteorite smoking in a field. Sheriff Bumblypants says it "looks like some kind of meteor or somethin'." On the ball that one is.<br />
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He complains that they need to figure out what it is because the last thing he needs right now is a "damn UFO convention." It must cut into valuable Deke hasslin' time.<br />
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There's some sort of history going between the sheriff and the guy who found the meteorite because Sheriff Bumblypants can barely look at the guy. I suspect Davenport and the sheriff had some sort of torrid love affair, but Davenport broke it off because he wanted to go live off the land and didn't approve of Bumblypants's career working for The Man. They still love each other, but the hurt runs too deep.<br />
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So, as Bumblypants has barely started his SUV, alien worm things crawl up Davenport's pants. He looks mildly disgusted, like he just stepped in dog poo.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-yCB13Gt1A18/UkFC8LLPVXI/AAAAAAAAAT8/f50FnvX4UnI/s1600/0827132024b.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-yCB13Gt1A18/UkFC8LLPVXI/AAAAAAAAAT8/f50FnvX4UnI/s320/0827132024b.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Oh man! Aliens crapped on my lawn again!"</td></tr>
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As his screams go unnoticed by the sheriff, Deke, who is farther away, hears something is wrong. However, before he can do anything, Billy shows up with a gang of thugs to do some hasslin' while the sheriff is busy. Deke is tiny and outmatched by the thugs, but has the power of martial arts! He takes out one guy, but his showdown with the others is interrupted by alien hissing in the bushes.<br />
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Billy orders his thug to go check it out. The thug's fate is pretty obvious: he's named Carl.<br />
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Thug #2 goes to check on Carl, but is accosted by Davenport, who's trying to french kiss--on wait, that's an alien parasite, not his tongue. Whatever.<br />
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Anyway, Deke and Billy helpfully stand by and watch, hoping to figure out what math is for.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-KLLkQW1k4s0/UkFDGgybcMI/AAAAAAAAAUE/j4McuPCiQUc/s1600/0827132030a.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-KLLkQW1k4s0/UkFDGgybcMI/AAAAAAAAAUE/j4McuPCiQUc/s320/0827132030a.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"So one thug minus one thug is how many thugs?"<br />
"Hurrrrrrrr..."</td></tr>
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Billy speeds off in his muscle car and leaves Deke to run away on foot. Deke literally turns around, jogs two steps, and runs right into Sheriff Bumblypants who has been standing there the whole time and couldn't possibly have missed Davenport alien-infect two random thugs, except he is so focused on his Deke hasslin' time that he doesn't give two shits about invaders from outer space.<br />
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Naturally, everyone is gone, so the sheriff doesn't have to worry about paying attention to something else. Also, Davenport is now "Murphy" for some reason. The sheriff then proceeds to arrest Deke for reporting that Davenport/Murphy attacked a couple guys. Only it looks and sounds less like arresting and more like Sheriff Bumblypants and Deke have a little sump'n sump'n going on.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is completely out of context because it's funnier that way.</td></tr>
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Bonus: A little sump'n sump'n.<br />
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<br />KMBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03093696361053735279noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5372647592697429851.post-85959767638680521812013-09-23T13:33:00.000-05:002013-09-24T03:07:56.652-05:00Bootleg Disney Princess Beautiful Music Computer and sorry for the AFKWell, technically not AFK since I've been at my computer doing stuff. It's mostly school that's got me busy. I'm keeping up with my Tumblr because all I have to do is post a photo and snarky caption and then go pretend I'm not procrastinating whereas here there's a lot more words and HTML tags and...yes, okay, I fail.<br />
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Anyway, I'm trying to post things. It will be sporadic. I'm trying to finish some bad movie recaps, a few posts, and other stuff, but I cannot promise regular posting.<br />
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Also, I got a new cat.<br />
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Anyway, you want the terrible bootleg computer thing. Please enjoy this video.<br />
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<br />KMBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03093696361053735279noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5372647592697429851.post-74225163864248244142013-06-24T12:00:00.000-05:002013-06-25T00:03:12.708-05:00Bad Movie Night: Hansel and GretelFinals tomorrow? What finals?<br />
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Again, all in stream-of-consciousness notes. So if you haven't seen it, it won't make much sense. If you have, it probably still doesn't.<br />
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Update: I did a watch-a-long with a friend, who <a href="http://brassfarthing.blogspot.com/2013/06/hansel-and-gretel-witch-hunters-watch.html" target="_blank">posted our discussion on her blog</a>. Please enjoy.<br />
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Gary Sanchez productions bump is a little ominous. I always drink my coffee while armed.<br />
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So the kids have a really nice beds, despite living in a crappy cabin. It's almost like the set designer <i>(apparently I didn't finish this sentence before getting distracted. I wonder what I was going to say.)</i><br />
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Uh, who the fuck grabs a chunk of a house and decides to eat it?<br />
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That witch has a poor understanding of nutrition. If she really wants Hansel to get plump enough to eat, she'd be loading him up on saturated fats, not just sugar.<br />
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I don't remember the fairy tale being this stabby.<br />
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HISTORY MEANS NOTHING TO OUR STORYBOARD ARTISTS!<br />
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So what happened to their parents? Was it witches? I bet it was witches. I'm not sure where I got this idea.<br />
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Ye olde milk carten missing children notices.<br />
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So what's the German word for "hillbillies?" Or "fucking hillbillies."<br />
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Witches, man.<br />
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Gretel's boobs appear to change size depending on whether her face is in the shot. I guess stunt boobs were in order.<br />
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Apparently the German word for "hillbilly" is Hinterwäldler. So there you go.<br />
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So Ye Olde Supercuts specialize in grease and dirt.<br />
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Oh look, a strange hot woman shows up in the middle of a forest. Is she a witch? I bet she's a witch. I'm not sure what tipped me off.<br />
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If witches can make themselves look normal, how did Hansel and Gretel know the hot ginger in the town square wasn't a witch?<br />
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Awww, they have Ye Olde Fanboyes!<br />
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Man, witch parties must be a real downer. Always hanging around a cauldron, hissing at fire and peeling bits of skin off.<br />
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The ginger totally is a witch. She's so clean compared to everyone else. That's probably why they wanted to burn her at the stake to begin with.<br />
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A witch forced Hansel to stuff himself with candy and now he has to take an injection or else he'll die? So, witch-induced diabetes?<br />
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Witch kung fu. One of the lesser known martial arts.<br />
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A taser...because fuck history.<br />
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If it wasn't for the skin rot, being a witch looks pretty awesome. Flying, throwing fireballs, laser wands...<br />
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How stupid is that kid? Just remove the damn bone from the lock!<br />
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More witch benefits: Instant kung fu abilities, awesome outfits. And derpy witch has a pretty awesome look.<br />
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"Yeah, so I'm just hanging upside down from a tree, unconscious and bloody. Sure, I'm all right.<br />
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Oh yes, the old "the pool has healing waters so let's get naked" pick up line. Works every time.<br />
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Oh come on! She can take on witches, but not three unwashed schlubs?<br />
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Awww, the troll has a little crush on Gretel. It's so sweet how he smashes trees into guys and crushes their heads.<br />
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I don't know what's in that white goop the troll found at the waterfall, but I'm not sure I'd wat it in my wounds.<br />
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So, Edward. Edward the troll. Does he have a brother Larry?<br />
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So Edward the troll says he serves witches, Gretel has some sort of powers, and there's witch stuff around. I'm going to say that they're witches from a family of witches and good witches exist, but they don't know blah blah witches.<br />
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Called it!<br />
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Called the ginger woman too. Totally a witch. You can tell the good witches because they take baths and do the laundry on a regular basis.<br />
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"...the greatest sabbath of all!" Ozzy?<br />
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OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE! Where did the time machine come from? Because how else did that Gatling gun get in his wagon?<br />
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Awww, Edward came from a booty call!<br />
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Jeez, that is indeed a lot of witches. A lot of witches with gout.<br />
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So, an expandable shotgun. Because fuck it, we're going for broke.<br />
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So shotguns and Gatling guns are effective against witches. Good to know.<br />
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Look out for legless witch! She's like the zombie torso hiding in the high grass!<br />
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OH COME ON! A fucking double crossbow?<br />
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Yeah, you go Gretel! Help Edward!<br />
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Surfing witch didn't do so well. Too bad, cause I kind of liked her.<br />
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What the ever loving fuck is that magic bullet?<br />
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Aaaaand now a defibrillator. Because why not?<br />
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That's it, I'm looking up the IMDB trivia.<br />
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<i>"In an interview with Famke Janssen at Cannes 2011, she stated that she took her role as the head witch because she had to pay off her mortgage."</i> - So how does she explain <i>Hemlock Grove?</i><br />
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NO! Not ye olde fanboye! He never even got to touch nipple!<br />
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<i>"In the movie, Hansel is diabetic as a result of his experience in the gingerbread house as a child. In the original script, Gretel was also supposed to have an eating disorder as a result of her childhood trauma, but it was cut from the final version."</i> - Few people know that witches are the number one cause of childhood diabetes.<br />
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By the way, you kill witches the same way you do zombies: removing the head. Food for thought.<br />
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Wait, ye olde fanboye is alive? Was he wearing ye olde kevlar? Oh wait, no. Just shot in the shoulder. 'Cause that's nothing.<br />
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Hansel and Gretel have 99 problems and witches ain't one. Wait, yes they are. My bad.<br />
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Is that desert witch supposed to look like a fish or a lizard? Eh, fuck it.<br />
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OH COME ON! Machine gun pistols now?<br />
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Well, I'm not sure what to think. What was with that magic bullet? Which time traveler is supplying Hansel and Gretel with machine guns, tasers, defibrillators, and record players? Why didn't the gingerbread house melt in the rain after all these years? Why didn't more heads get squished? Who was that mysterious surfing witch and why don't we know more about her? So many questions, so few hopes of them answered. Especially since Janssen's mortgage is probably paid off now.KMBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03093696361053735279noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5372647592697429851.post-69671499157509087432013-06-22T17:00:00.001-05:002013-06-22T17:00:30.577-05:00Can't post, trapped under library collapseHome stretch of finals. One more week to go in this term. *flails helplessly and drowns in musty pages*<div>
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Here, have a gif I made of a muscle guy.<br /><div>
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KMBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03093696361053735279noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5372647592697429851.post-78127168038500984272013-06-08T12:00:00.000-05:002013-06-08T12:00:04.809-05:00Thrift Store Fuquerie Is My JamI'm going to need $100 and a top hat, stat!<br>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This northern pike is just happy to be loved.</td></tr>
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<a href="http://www.gloriousfuquerie.com/2013/06/thrift-store-fuquerie-is-my-jam.html#more">Read more »</a>KMBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03093696361053735279noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5372647592697429851.post-45498003377608197262013-06-07T00:57:00.001-05:002013-06-07T00:57:44.846-05:00I'm A Minor Duchess Of Broken Promises...like posting regularly. I keep promising to do it and then I don't. It's a combination of running out of time and not getting a chance to explore thrift stores. Also, my favorite antique mall closed down! That's where I found so much awesome and horrible stuff! Now I have to go find another one. I spent a year cultivating that source and now it's gone without even so much as a snippy email.<br />
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After being thoroughly irradiated (twice over), I spent all day yesterday driving around town to thrift stores, flea markets, taxidermy places, and finally the Japanese market because I really wanted lychee gummies. I didn't get to half my fuckery list, which is probably good because I'm currently procrastinating my research paper that's due on Monday. The one I haven't written yet.<br />
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Oops.<br />
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I found stuff, but I am swamped to the gills for the next three weeks. I passed my criminal background check (it helps if you bury the bodies <i>really</i> deep) and will start my volunteer job next week, which will make my time crunch worse.<br />
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Also, a lot of my time suck has been <a href="http://www.amazon.com/The-Estuary-Derek-Gunn/dp/1934861243/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1369895217&sr=8-1&keywords=the+estuary" target="_blank">a really terrible book</a> I'm reading. Normally, I can devour a piece of zombie genre fluff in a day or two, but this has taken me weeks. Why? Because it's so terrible, it's an amazing work of art that I need to <strike>inflict upon</strike> share with everyone I know via carefully documented snippets and long discussions. It's so bad, I'm baffled as to how this got published with Permuted because the author failed to get so much as an elementary school student to edit for him. I am finally 3/4 of the way through and I am dreading the end because then I won't have any more of it to read. It's that amazing.<br />
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If you're into reading amazingly terrible books, please <i>please</i> get this one! I'm reading the Kindle version, so I don't know if the print edition was properly edited. I hope not. I'd hate to think people reading the print version are missing out on so much glory. I'm going to have to post about this book here because it deserves to be known.<br />
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Anyway, that's where my time has gone. But hey, I'm not completely devoid of fuckery! <a href="http://fuquerie.tumblr.com/" target="_blank">My Tumblr page</a> is chugging along with finds. I know, I could be posting here, but I can queue Tumblr posts from my phone the moment I take the photo, so it's so easy. It's like magic. Fuckery magic. The magic of fuckery. Please, go follow my Tumblr if you are jonesing for fuckery.<br />
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In the meantime, please enjoy this delightful magic space whale coffee table:<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-BJ-POcbFCx0/UbFzucWvGNI/AAAAAAAAAQg/rPDI9HXMNeg/s1600/0606131111.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="478" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-BJ-POcbFCx0/UbFzucWvGNI/AAAAAAAAAQg/rPDI9HXMNeg/s640/0606131111.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">There is no way this could be anything but magical.</td></tr>
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<br />KMBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03093696361053735279noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5372647592697429851.post-50993876138380049402013-05-22T18:22:00.000-05:002013-05-23T18:23:14.581-05:00WTF Wednesday: Derpy Cougar and Coyote FacesI went to The Corner Shoppe Mall in Austin yesterday because taxidermy. At their delightfully whimsical store filled to the brim with all sorts of dead animals, I found the new love of my life. Now, I've never wanted a taxidermy feline before. Given my almost religious love of cats, it seems a little sacrilegious and I need all the good karma I can get. However, this magnificent beast would be an exception to that rule.<br>
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I give you, the gorgeous, amazing, one-of-a-kind, Derpy Cougar:<br>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Look at that magnifiderp creature!</td></tr>
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<a href="http://www.gloriousfuquerie.com/2013/05/wtf-wednesday-derpy-cougar-and-coyote.html#more">Read more »</a>KMBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03093696361053735279noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5372647592697429851.post-66173382452048627742013-05-20T03:06:00.000-05:002013-05-20T03:06:30.809-05:00Flea Market Fuquerie: Another Blast From The Past<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I've been sick this week, so I haven't been back to my usual haunts. However, I had ample time to download all the pictures that have been accumulating on my cell phone's SD card for three years. I found a few bits of entertainment for you.</div>
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Who says you can't find classy furniture in a flea store?</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yes, pretty much everyone.</td></tr>
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<a href="http://www.gloriousfuquerie.com/2013/05/flea-market-fuquerie-another-blast-from.html#more">Read more »</a>KMBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03093696361053735279noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5372647592697429851.post-88310422718620242512013-05-11T12:00:00.000-05:002013-05-11T12:00:03.622-05:00A Thrift Store Without Clowns?I know, that sounds impossible, right? Well, it's true. On my way home from an interview, I stopped at what appeared to be a magical place: Texas Thrift Store. It was a thrift store with Texas in the name! Surely it would be filled with wonders!<br>
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I was very, very wrong. It was lacking in fuckery. Not even a clown in sight. I was disheartened, to say the least. However, please enjoy the few pictures, some of which are quality fuckery.<br>
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Lifeless dolls wait for an unsuspecting child to carry them home. Then, they will come to life.<br>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Horrible, horrible life.</td></tr>
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<a href="http://www.gloriousfuquerie.com/2013/05/a-thrift-store-without-clowns.html#more">Read more »</a>KMBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03093696361053735279noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5372647592697429851.post-77237047688377876202013-05-10T15:57:00.000-05:002013-05-10T15:57:07.628-05:003 Cats + 1 Live Crawfish = ConfusionI'm slacking, I know. I'm having to be a responsible adult and all and it cuts into my fuckery time. I'm just as annoyed about this as you are.<br />
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However, I was able to entertain myself with some feline-related antics. The grocery store was selling live crawfish and I decided I needed one to bring home to befuddle the cats. They made me buy a whole pound and in retrospect, I should have taken advantage of that a bit more.<br />
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"Is it food? A toy? This hurts my feline brain!"<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Lily enjoyed flipping it on its back, then walking away as the crawfish flailed helplessly.</td></tr>
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"BOW BEFORE ME, WORTHLESS FELINE, FOR I AM THE CRAWFISH GOD!!"<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-LuE1G_w-ORI/UY1d8Gce43I/AAAAAAAAAOo/x_1T_k7OVHs/s1600/catcrawfish2sm.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="355" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-LuE1G_w-ORI/UY1d8Gce43I/AAAAAAAAAOo/x_1T_k7OVHs/s640/catcrawfish2sm.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Thanks to <a href="http://brassfarthing.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Michaela Grey</a> for the perfect caption.</td></tr>
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<br />KMBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03093696361053735279noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5372647592697429851.post-18322050932449148382013-05-01T14:48:00.000-05:002013-05-01T14:48:32.027-05:00WTF Wednesday: Some Randomness For Your EnjoymentFor those of you not looking at my Tumblr, here's a few pictures I found in the dregs of my old cell phone's storage card.<br>
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I need this movie. It's not a want, it's a <i>need</i>.<br>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Let me use this boat of sunbathing girls as my gun."</td></tr>
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<a href="http://www.gloriousfuquerie.com/2013/05/wtf-wednesday-some-randomness-for-your.html#more">Read more »</a>KMBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03093696361053735279noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5372647592697429851.post-19984476284656485022013-04-27T20:33:00.000-05:002013-04-27T20:33:05.215-05:00Texas: Land of Metal MonstersAny fans of The Bloggess will know <a href="http://thebloggess.com/2011/06/and-thats-why-you-should-learn-to-pick-your-battles/" target="_blank">Beyonce, the giant metal chicken</a>. Well, it turns out giant metal chickens aren't the only metal creatures gracing the state of Texas. Just about anything you can think of comes in metal animal form. Well, maybe not <i>anything</i> I can think of. Because some of the things I can think of don't translate well to welded sculptures. It's probably for the best.<br>
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Anyway, these things are everywhere. I've seen them at gas stations, roadside stands, antique stores, flea markets, grocery stores, even department stores that are probably very confused about the whole thing. Naturally, I would be remiss in my duties if I didn't show you some of the fabulous creatures wandering about.<br>
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This is the rare breed of donkey that originated from a very confused mating with a Slinky.<br>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Then a threesome with a plunger-footed booby.</td></tr>
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</div></div><a href="http://www.gloriousfuquerie.com/2013/04/texas-land-of-metal-monsters.html#more">Read more »</a>KMBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03093696361053735279noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5372647592697429851.post-26937228295646095682013-04-25T02:13:00.000-05:002013-04-25T03:19:35.005-05:00Bad Movie Night: BattleshipIf you haven't seen it, feel free to ignore this post and wander off. Otherwise, please continue.<br>
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I am not going to do my usual running synopsis because I don't want to overdo it before I embark on writing my paper. Plus, I already started snarking at this movie to someone in chat and I'm too lazy to start over. Hence the disjointed comments.<br>
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<i>Da Vinci's Demons</i> turned out to be nothing what the description said, so I needed something else to watch. I was in the mood for explodey and/or scifi thingies. So for some ungodly reason, I turned on <i>Battleship</i>.<br>
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First of all, no way the Navy would take that guy, not with a drunk and disorderly with breaking and entering. Not in this day and age. Also, no fucking way this guy would be a damn officer, come on! My brother can't join the Navy as an officer because his GPA from his first degree (he's working on his second) is slightly below their requirement. Also, with his constant lateness and fighting... (Hopper, not my brother).<br>
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Assuming Hopper is the same as burrito idiot.<br>
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I imagine this is how the conversation went during research:<br>
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Hollywood: "The military, how does it work?"<br>
The Military: "Dude, we've been working together for a century. How do you not know this stuff by now?"<br>
Hollywood: "Boooooooobs..."<br>
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<a href="http://www.gloriousfuquerie.com/2013/04/bad-movie-night-battleship.html#more">Read more »</a>KMBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03093696361053735279noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5372647592697429851.post-363972454535982122013-04-20T17:52:00.000-05:002013-04-20T17:52:32.732-05:00The Undying Horror of ClownsIn case you missed the title, this post is about those terrifying painted demons, the scourge of birthday parties everywhere: clowns.<br>
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Clown * /kloun/ *<br>
<i>noun</i><br>
1. An unholy beast from the depths of hell, who spreads terror on the earth.<br>
2. A species of tchotchke painted to look like a grotesque caricature of a person.</div>
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3. Someone's mistaken idea of funny.</div>
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Fortunately, someone was able to entomb Walter before he could eradicate the dreams of all children.</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.stabbycat.com/fuquerie/clowns/clowns1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://www.stabbycat.com/fuquerie/clowns/clowns1.jpg" width="480"></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">No matter what he tries to tell you, he's not wonderful.</td></tr>
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</div><a href="http://www.gloriousfuquerie.com/2013/04/the-undying-horror-of-clowns.html#more">Read more »</a>KMBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03093696361053735279noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5372647592697429851.post-46046337734337254942013-04-17T12:00:00.000-05:002013-04-17T15:21:46.679-05:00WTF Wednesday: Taxidermy EverywhereTaxidermy is one of those things that never occurred to me could be something horrible and magical. I grew up in a hunting and fishing household and dad would occasionally get some things stuffed for display. On Christmas, we hung ornaments on the small mouth bass and mallard duck by the door. Occasionally, they would get a jaunty red bow for extra festiveness. It also didn't occur to me that turkey beards was something most people didn't know about, much less use as decor.<br>
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Recently, I've been looking at taxidermy in a whole new light. The whole thing is strange and unsettling and wonderful. It's demented, but also amazing. So naturally, I have to share a little of the wtf I've found over the past year. Yes, some of this has been posted before. So sue me.<br>
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I imagine this is the last thing you see before hearing the sound of the front door locking behind you.<br>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">We warned you not to take that handyman job from Old Man Jenkins.</td></tr>
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<a href="http://www.gloriousfuquerie.com/2013/04/wtf-wednesday-taxidermy-everywhere.html#more">Read more »</a>KMBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03093696361053735279noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5372647592697429851.post-32927729956655680622013-04-14T12:00:00.000-05:002013-04-14T12:00:00.158-05:00Of Bear Heads and Jungle ExpeditionsSo I've been busy and by "busy," I mean "goofing around doing pointless shit." That's why my Saturday blog post actually got posted on Sunday morning, even though I cleverly backdated it for Saturday so you think I wasn't goofing off.<br>
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So what was I doing? Well, first of all, I heard Kohl's had an inflatable bear head for $4. Yes, you heard right. Instead of being responsible and working on Saturday's post, homework, or everything else I'm procrastinating, I was buying a goddamn four dollar inflatable bear head and quietly installing it above the bed to see if anyone would notice:<br>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It was noticed.</td></tr>
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<a href="http://www.gloriousfuquerie.com/2013/04/of-bear-heads-and-jungle-expeditions.html#more">Read more »</a>KMBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03093696361053735279noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5372647592697429851.post-82575560201522341172013-04-13T12:00:00.000-05:002013-04-14T03:06:08.708-05:00Fuquerie From the Live Blogging EventI have good news and bad news. The good news is, this post has no clowns, taxidermy, or old racist crap! The bad news is, I have enough pictures of each for their own posts. The really bad news is I have enough pictures of clowns for five posts and counting.<br>
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The following pictures were taken during my impromptu live Tumblr blogging event. It's like Christmas all over again, if Christmas was the previous year's gifts that crazy Aunt Mabel dug out of the trash, even though we could have sworn we buried them deep under rotting lettuce and used tissues.<br>
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This sinister sheep is watching you. It knows what you did to grandma's quilt.<br>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.stabbycat.com/fuquerie/2013/march/03222013fuckery2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="480" src="http://www.stabbycat.com/fuquerie/2013/march/03222013fuckery2.jpg" width="640"></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It won't tell, as long as you do exactly what it says, no questions asked.</td></tr>
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<a href="http://www.gloriousfuquerie.com/2013/04/fuquerie-from-live-blogging-event.html#more">Read more »</a>KMBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03093696361053735279noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5372647592697429851.post-24217036518729320462013-04-07T12:00:00.000-05:002013-04-07T12:00:03.559-05:00Bless the InternetBecause without it, how in the world would we ever have known about this?<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #1a1a1a; font-family: ff-meta-web-pro-1, ff-meta-web-pro-2, sans-serif; font-size: 24px; line-height: 30px;"><a href="http://shanghaiist.com/2013/04/03/naked_sex_doll_couple_run_through_the_streets_of_beijing.php" target="_blank">Naked woman chases naked man carrying a sex doll through Beijing</a></span><br />
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<a href="http://shanghaiist.com/upload/2013/04/sex-doll-1.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="394" src="http://shanghaiist.com/upload/2013/04/sex-doll-1.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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KMBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03093696361053735279noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5372647592697429851.post-91055975491984590232013-04-06T12:00:00.000-05:002013-04-06T12:00:03.625-05:00Ancient Machines of Yesteryore<div>
Remember back in the day when we knew why it was called "dialing" to make a call and once a letter was typed, Wite-Out was your only salvation to get that paper in on time? No?</div>
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Uh, kids, I recommend you go get grandma or grandpa to help you out with this one.<br>
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This is an early cell phone. It was attached to the wall, had no buttons, and couldn't browse the internet because there was no internet.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">In other words, nothing like a cell phone.</td></tr>
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</div><a href="http://www.gloriousfuquerie.com/2013/04/ancient-machines-of-yesteryore.html#more">Read more »</a>KMBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03093696361053735279noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5372647592697429851.post-42951301422907508242013-03-31T12:00:00.000-05:002013-03-31T12:00:03.788-05:003D Magic Space JesusIn my<a href="http://www.gloriousfuquerie.com/2013/03/busseys-flea-market-fuquerie-with-bonus.html" target="_blank"> first post about Bussey's Flea Market</a>, I introduced the laser disco Virgin Mary clock, one of the most beautimous things I've found in my fuckery adventures. There's also the<a href="http://www.gloriousfuquerie.com/2013/01/thrift-store-fuquerie-on-loose.html" target="_blank"> 3D Jesus crucifixion clock</a>, which adorns the guest room wall, somehow keeping people from wanting to stay overnight.<br>
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In the dark recesses of a Chinese bootleg import booth, I found a collection of 3D Jesus wall art. Naturally, I was intrigued. Of course, I couldn't resist the 3D Last Supper for when we have guests.<br>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://pensenvy.com/misc/fuckery/3DJesus1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="478" src="http://pensenvy.com/misc/fuckery/3DJesus1.jpg" width="640"></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It's <i>two</i> Last Suppers in one!</td></tr>
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<a href="http://www.gloriousfuquerie.com/2013/03/3d-magic-space-jesus.html#more">Read more »</a>KMBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03093696361053735279noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5372647592697429851.post-31952434258380529462013-03-30T12:00:00.000-05:002013-03-30T12:00:02.229-05:00Bussey's Flea Market: Postapocalypse NowNorth of San Antonio is a place so amazing, I've been there more times than any non-hoarder should. I've <a href="http://www.gloriousfuquerie.com/2013/03/busseys-flea-market-fuquerie-with-bonus.html" target="_blank">posted about this place before</a> because it's too amazing for just one post.<br>
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You know how post-apocalyptic movies always have those scenes where the protagonist enters the bustling market hub where people are bartering, shady deals are going down in back alley rooms, and there's an undercurrent of any moment, someone clad in leather is going to be chasing a cyborg down the aisle?<br>
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That, my friends, is Bussey's Flea Market (only with more sno-cones). </div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Does the giant armadillo sign promise anything less than magic?</td></tr>
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</div></div><a href="http://www.gloriousfuquerie.com/2013/03/busseys-flea-market-postapocalypse-now.html#more">Read more »</a>KMBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03093696361053735279noreply@blogger.com0