Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Bad Movie Afternoon: Infection....the Invasion Begins (Part 1 because of all these images)

I'm watching something called Infection....the Invasion Begins. I swear, it's titled just like that. It has two out of five stars on Amazon and is one of the free streaming movies, so it of course is going to be of questionable quality.

The first few minutes of this movie was an unfortunately dressed woman wandering around a really messy house for what seems like a really long time. There was a note that said "please excuse the mess," which explains everything, naturally. Just not to the audience at this point.

Pantaloons are back in?
Not taking a cue from the fact that the letter directed her towards a clown painting, the unfortunately dressed woman digs through an old chest and finds the journal of someone named Sara Prescott.

She then wanders back out to her Smartcar, which needs a key fob to get in, but can be started just by saying "car on!" Okay, so my car is over 10 years old and modern car technology might be this far advanced, but I'm guessing not. Especially since she has a conversation with the car, who is able to discover the exact Sara Prescott and deliver coordinates and in no way comes up with 10,000 Google hits for porn.

After she drives off, the worst CGI future city I've ever seen happens. Seriously. THE WORST. Check this out:

(You really can't see the terrible details of the terrible CGI city in this window, so please go look at it on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GDXdC8f2As0)

The lady then arrives at the psychiatric hospital and meets an old lady who is totally not a young woman in bad makeup. The old lady creakily asks the previously unfortunately dressed woman, who might be a reporter, if she knows anything about September 9, 2009, which is when the "modern plague" happens. That was a "long time ago."

And omg! The plague wasn't a plague at all! It was "something not of our world!"

The reporter is at first shocked, but then decides the old lady is nuts. The old lady insists it was all a conspiracy and elaborate cover up.

By the way, the reporter is either a terrible actress or has a terrible director. She shows shock by leaning her chin as forward as possible.

I think this is the part where we go into flashback story mode.

Oh wait, no. They have to go walk in the garden first.

Oh wait, no. Flashback story mode. Good thing they were in the garden. That was so useful for the plot.

So flashback story mode starts with a very confused looking man who may or may not be an alien in human form. I don't think he's supposed to be, but he's not acting like an actual person, so I'm thinking totally an alien.

He walks into someone's house and discovers all these photos have someone cut out of them. Also, some mail. Then he gets some clothes from a box labeled "Deke." THIS IS FASCINATING!

On his way out, his mom (?) walks in and scolds him for being there, then orders him out before she calls the sheriff. It reminds me of soap operas. Because all the drama and closing of blinds and pained gasps.

The scene switches to a bumbly-looking sheriff, who is played by this poor bastard. He instantly does a yokel face and gets in his...sigh...camo-painted SUV and rolls away.

Herp a derp a doo.
Now we're in the local diner, watching a sweet old guy flirt with a pretty blonde server. Then he goes from flirting to trying to set her up with other guys. However, soon Deke walks in! NOOOOO!

I guess Deke and the blonde waitress has some sort of history. Everyone in town hates this guy, so the grumpy old Black cook has to lecture everyone on manners and all customers being equal.

Deke wanders out back to talk to the blonde server, who proceeds to scold him about coming back, thinking people would just forget about the horrible thing he did and blah blah it was terrible and blah blah how could you come back and blah blah WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT!?

Okay, look. I don't know if the writers are trying to build up to the shock or what, but this whole dancing around is annoying. Sure, unnecessary exposition is annoying too, but it's less annoying than whatever this is.

"Deke, I'm very disappointed in that thing you did. Whatever it was."
Some other dude named Billy walks up and there's the usual shaking of penises until blondie orders Billy to get lost so she can continue to scold Deke some more. Deke is mad because she's seeing Billy, blondie tells him to buzz off, then wanders back inside the diner.

At that moment, Sheriff Bumblypants shows up for some good old fashioned hasslin'. He starts hasslin' Deke about being back here in this here town after ten long years.

Everyday I'm hasslin'.
At this point, I'm thinking this horrible thing is probably just Deke knocking blondie up and bugging out. All this drama surely means it's nothing, but then Sheriff Bumblypants drops the M-word. Murder. Apparently, the sheriff takes murder very seriously in his town.

You know, as opposed to all those other sheriffs in other towns that don't take murder seriously.

While the two are making eyes at each other, a blonde deputy with some nice boobs (her uniform shirt was unbuttoned down to her waist) calls the sheriff to report some strange goin's on. He agrees to drop his hasslin' and goes to check it all out. Deke stares sadly at an engagement ring.

Something tells me her uniform is out of regulation.
Sheriff Bumblypants grumpily arrives in a random field and complains that police work is taking away from his quality Deke hasslin' time. Random local, Mr. Davenport, shows him some sort of meteorite smoking in a field. Sheriff Bumblypants says it "looks like some kind of meteor or somethin'." On the ball that one is.

He complains that they need to figure out what it is because the last thing he needs right now is a "damn UFO convention." It must cut into valuable Deke hasslin' time.

There's some sort of history going between the sheriff and the guy who found the meteorite because Sheriff Bumblypants can barely look at the guy. I suspect Davenport and the sheriff had some sort of torrid love affair, but Davenport broke it off because he wanted to go live off the land and didn't approve of Bumblypants's career working for The Man. They still love each other, but the hurt runs too deep.

So, as Bumblypants has barely started his SUV, alien worm things crawl up Davenport's pants. He looks mildly disgusted, like he just stepped in dog poo.

"Oh man! Aliens crapped on my lawn again!"
As his screams go unnoticed by the sheriff, Deke, who is farther away, hears something is wrong. However, before he can do anything, Billy shows up with a gang of thugs to do some hasslin' while the sheriff is busy. Deke is tiny and outmatched by the thugs, but has the power of martial arts! He takes out one guy, but his showdown with the others is interrupted by alien hissing in the bushes.

Billy orders his thug to go check it out. The thug's fate is pretty obvious: he's named Carl.

Thug #2 goes to check on Carl, but is accosted by Davenport, who's trying to french kiss--on wait, that's an alien parasite, not his tongue. Whatever.

Anyway, Deke and Billy helpfully stand by and watch, hoping to figure out what math is for.

"So one thug minus one thug is how many thugs?"
Billy speeds off in his muscle car and leaves Deke to run away on foot. Deke literally turns around, jogs two steps, and runs right into Sheriff Bumblypants who has been standing there the whole time and couldn't possibly have missed Davenport alien-infect two random thugs, except he is so focused on his Deke hasslin' time that he doesn't give two shits about invaders from outer space.

Naturally, everyone is gone, so the sheriff doesn't have to worry about paying attention to something else. Also, Davenport is now "Murphy" for some reason. The sheriff then proceeds to arrest Deke for reporting that Davenport/Murphy attacked a couple guys. Only it looks and sounds less like arresting and more like Sheriff Bumblypants and Deke have a little sump'n sump'n going on.

This is completely out of context because it's funnier that way.

Bonus: A little sump'n sump'n.

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