The first few minutes of this movie was an unfortunately dressed woman wandering around a really messy house for what seems like a really long time. There was a note that said "please excuse the mess," which explains everything, naturally. Just not to the audience at this point.
|Pantaloons are back in?
She then wanders back out to her Smartcar, which needs a key fob to get in, but can be started just by saying "car on!" Okay, so my car is over 10 years old and modern car technology might be this far advanced, but I'm guessing not. Especially since she has a conversation with the car, who is able to discover the exact Sara Prescott and deliver coordinates and in no way comes up with 10,000 Google hits for porn.
After she drives off, the worst CGI future city I've ever seen happens. Seriously. THE WORST. Check this out:
(You really can't see the terrible details of the terrible CGI city in this window, so please go look at it on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GDXdC8f2As0)
The lady then arrives at the psychiatric hospital and meets an old lady who is totally not a young woman in bad makeup. The old lady creakily asks the previously unfortunately dressed woman, who might be a reporter, if she knows anything about September 9, 2009, which is when the "modern plague" happens. That was a "long time ago."
And omg! The plague wasn't a plague at all! It was "something not of our world!"
The reporter is at first shocked, but then decides the old lady is nuts. The old lady insists it was all a conspiracy and elaborate cover up.
By the way, the reporter is either a terrible actress or has a terrible director. She shows shock by leaning her chin as forward as possible.
I think this is the part where we go into flashback story mode.
Oh wait, no. They have to go walk in the garden first.
Oh wait, no. Flashback story mode. Good thing they were in the garden. That was so useful for the plot.
So flashback story mode starts with a very confused looking man who may or may not be an alien in human form. I don't think he's supposed to be, but he's not acting like an actual person, so I'm thinking totally an alien.
He walks into someone's house and discovers all these photos have someone cut out of them. Also, some mail. Then he gets some clothes from a box labeled "Deke." THIS IS FASCINATING!
On his way out, his mom (?) walks in and scolds him for being there, then orders him out before she calls the sheriff. It reminds me of soap operas. Because all the drama and closing of blinds and pained gasps.
The scene switches to a bumbly-looking sheriff, who is played by this poor bastard. He instantly does a yokel face and gets in his...sigh...camo-painted SUV and rolls away.
|Herp a derp a doo.
I guess Deke and the blonde waitress has some sort of history. Everyone in town hates this guy, so the grumpy old Black cook has to lecture everyone on manners and all customers being equal.
Deke wanders out back to talk to the blonde server, who proceeds to scold him about coming back, thinking people would just forget about the horrible thing he did and blah blah it was terrible and blah blah how could you come back and blah blah WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT!?
Okay, look. I don't know if the writers are trying to build up to the shock or what, but this whole dancing around is annoying. Sure, unnecessary exposition is annoying too, but it's less annoying than whatever this is.
|"Deke, I'm very disappointed in that thing you did. Whatever it was."
At that moment, Sheriff Bumblypants shows up for some good old fashioned hasslin'. He starts hasslin' Deke about being back here in this here town after ten long years.
|Everyday I'm hasslin'.
You know, as opposed to all those other sheriffs in other towns that don't take murder seriously.
While the two are making eyes at each other, a blonde deputy with some nice boobs (her uniform shirt was unbuttoned down to her waist) calls the sheriff to report some strange goin's on. He agrees to drop his hasslin' and goes to check it all out. Deke stares sadly at an engagement ring.
|Something tells me her uniform is out of regulation.
He complains that they need to figure out what it is because the last thing he needs right now is a "damn UFO convention." It must cut into valuable Deke hasslin' time.
There's some sort of history going between the sheriff and the guy who found the meteorite because Sheriff Bumblypants can barely look at the guy. I suspect Davenport and the sheriff had some sort of torrid love affair, but Davenport broke it off because he wanted to go live off the land and didn't approve of Bumblypants's career working for The Man. They still love each other, but the hurt runs too deep.
So, as Bumblypants has barely started his SUV, alien worm things crawl up Davenport's pants. He looks mildly disgusted, like he just stepped in dog poo.
|"Oh man! Aliens crapped on my lawn again!"
Billy orders his thug to go check it out. The thug's fate is pretty obvious: he's named Carl.
Thug #2 goes to check on Carl, but is accosted by Davenport, who's trying to french kiss--on wait, that's an alien parasite, not his tongue. Whatever.
Anyway, Deke and Billy helpfully stand by and watch, hoping to figure out what math is for.
|"So one thug minus one thug is how many thugs?"
Naturally, everyone is gone, so the sheriff doesn't have to worry about paying attention to something else. Also, Davenport is now "Murphy" for some reason. The sheriff then proceeds to arrest Deke for reporting that Davenport/Murphy attacked a couple guys. Only it looks and sounds less like arresting and more like Sheriff Bumblypants and Deke have a little sump'n sump'n going on.
|This is completely out of context because it's funnier that way.
Bonus: A little sump'n sump'n.