Saturday, April 27, 2013

Texas: Land of Metal Monsters

Any fans of The Bloggess will know Beyonce, the giant metal chicken. Well, it turns out giant metal chickens aren't the only metal creatures gracing the state of Texas. Just about anything you can think of comes in metal animal form. Well, maybe not anything I can think of. Because some of the things I can think of don't translate well to welded sculptures. It's probably for the best.

Anyway, these things are everywhere. I've seen them at gas stations, roadside stands, antique stores, flea markets, grocery stores, even department stores that are probably very confused about the whole thing. Naturally, I would be remiss in my duties if I didn't show you some of the fabulous creatures wandering about.

This is the rare breed of donkey that originated from a very confused mating with a Slinky.
Then a threesome with a plunger-footed booby.

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Bad Movie Night: Battleship

If you haven't seen it, feel free to ignore this post and wander off. Otherwise, please continue.

I am not going to do my usual running synopsis because I don't want to overdo it before I embark on writing my paper. Plus, I already started snarking at this movie to someone in chat and I'm too lazy to start over. Hence the disjointed comments.

Da Vinci's Demons turned out to be nothing what the description said, so I needed something else to watch. I was in the mood for explodey and/or scifi thingies. So for some ungodly reason, I turned on Battleship.

First of all, no way the Navy would take that guy, not with a drunk and disorderly with breaking and entering. Not in this day and age. Also, no fucking way this guy would be a damn officer, come on! My brother can't join the Navy as an officer because his GPA from his first degree (he's working on his second) is slightly below their requirement. Also, with his constant lateness and fighting... (Hopper, not my brother).

Assuming Hopper is the same as burrito idiot.

I imagine this is how the conversation went during research:

Hollywood: "The military, how does it work?"
The Military: "Dude, we've been working together for a century. How do you not know this stuff by now?"
Hollywood: "Boooooooobs..."

Saturday, April 20, 2013

The Undying Horror of Clowns

In case you missed the title, this post is about those terrifying painted demons, the scourge of birthday parties everywhere: clowns.

Clown * /kloun/ *
1. An unholy beast from the depths of hell, who spreads terror on the earth.
2. A species of tchotchke painted to look like a grotesque caricature of a person.
3. Someone's mistaken idea of funny.

Fortunately, someone was able to entomb Walter before he could eradicate the dreams of all children.
No matter what he tries to tell you, he's not wonderful.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

WTF Wednesday: Taxidermy Everywhere

Taxidermy is one of those things that never occurred to me could be something horrible and magical. I grew up in a hunting and fishing household and dad would occasionally get some things stuffed for display. On Christmas, we hung ornaments on the small mouth bass and mallard duck by the door. Occasionally, they would get a jaunty red bow for extra festiveness. It also didn't occur to me that turkey beards was something most people didn't know about, much less use as decor.

Recently, I've been looking at taxidermy in a whole new light. The whole thing is strange and unsettling and wonderful. It's demented, but also amazing. So naturally, I have to share a little of the wtf I've found over the past year. Yes, some of this has been posted before. So sue me.

I imagine this is the last thing you see before hearing the sound of the front door locking behind you.
We warned you not to take that handyman job from Old Man Jenkins.

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Of Bear Heads and Jungle Expeditions

So I've been busy and by "busy," I mean "goofing around doing pointless shit." That's why my Saturday blog post actually got posted on Sunday morning, even though I cleverly backdated it for Saturday so you think I wasn't goofing off.

So what was I doing? Well, first of all, I heard Kohl's had an inflatable bear head for $4. Yes, you heard right. Instead of being responsible and working on Saturday's post, homework, or everything else I'm procrastinating, I was buying a goddamn four dollar inflatable bear head and quietly installing it above the bed to see if anyone would notice:

It was noticed.

Saturday, April 13, 2013

Fuquerie From the Live Blogging Event

I have good news and bad news. The good news is, this post has no clowns, taxidermy, or old racist crap! The bad news is, I have enough pictures of each for their own posts. The really bad news is I have enough pictures of clowns for five posts and counting.

The following pictures were taken during my impromptu live Tumblr blogging event. It's like Christmas all over again, if Christmas was the previous year's gifts that crazy Aunt Mabel dug out of the trash, even though we could have sworn we buried them deep under rotting lettuce and used tissues.

This sinister sheep is watching you. It knows what you did to grandma's quilt.
It won't tell, as long as you do exactly what it says, no questions asked.

Saturday, April 6, 2013

Ancient Machines of Yesteryore

Remember back in the day when we knew why it was called "dialing" to make a call and once a letter was typed, Wite-Out was your only salvation to get that paper in on time? No?

Uh, kids, I recommend you go get grandma or grandpa to help you out with this one.

This is an early cell phone. It was attached to the wall, had no buttons, and couldn't browse the internet because there was no internet.
In other words, nothing like a cell phone.