Bad Movie Afternoon: Infection....the Invasion Begins (Part 1 because of all these images)

I'm watching something called Infection....the Invasion Begins. I swear, it's titled just like that. It has two out of five stars on Amazon and is one of the free streaming movies, so it of course is going to be of questionable quality.

The first few minutes of this movie was an unfortunately dressed woman wandering around a really messy house for what seems like a really long time. There was a note that said "please excuse the mess," which explains everything, naturally. Just not to the audience at this point.

Pantaloons are back in?

Not taking a cue from the fact that the letter directed her towards a clown painting, the unfortunately dressed woman digs through an old chest and finds the journal of someone named Sara Prescott.

She then wanders back out to her Smartcar, which needs a key fob to get in, but can be started just by saying "car on!" Okay, so my car is over 10 years old and modern car technology might be this far advanced, but I'm guessing not. Especially since she has a conversation with the car, who is able to discover the exact Sara Prescott and deliver coordinates and in no way comes up with 10,000 Google hits for porn.

After she drives off, the worst CGI future city I've ever seen happens. Seriously. THE WORST. Check this out:

(You really can't see the terrible details of the terrible CGI city in this window, so please go look at it on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GDXdC8f2As0)

The lady then arrives at the psychiatric hospital and meets an old lady who is totally not a young woman in bad makeup. The old lady creakily asks the previously unfortunately dressed woman, who might be a reporter, if she knows anything about September 9, 2009, which is when the "modern plague" happens. That was a "long time ago."

And omg! The plague wasn't a plague at all! It was "something not of our world!"

The reporter is at first shocked, but then decides the old lady is nuts. The old lady insists it was all a conspiracy and elaborate cover up.

By the way, the reporter is either a terrible actress or has a terrible director. She shows shock by leaning her chin as forward as possible.

I think this is the part where we go into flashback story mode.

Oh wait, no. They have to go walk in the garden first.

Oh wait, no. Flashback story mode. Good thing they were in the garden. That was so useful for the plot.

So flashback story mode starts with a very confused looking man who may or may not be an alien in human form. I don't think he's supposed to be, but he's not acting like an actual person, so I'm thinking totally an alien.

He walks into someone's house and discovers all these photos have someone cut out of them. Also, some mail. Then he gets some clothes from a box labeled "Deke." THIS IS FASCINATING!

On his way out, his mom (?) walks in and scolds him for being there, then orders him out before she calls the sheriff. It reminds me of soap operas. Because all the drama and closing of blinds and pained gasps.

The scene switches to a bumbly-looking sheriff, who is played by this poor bastard. He instantly does a yokel face and gets in his...sigh...camo-painted SUV and rolls away.

Herp a derp a doo.

Now we're in the local diner, watching a sweet old guy flirt with a pretty blonde server. Then he goes from flirting to trying to set her up with other guys. However, soon Deke walks in! NOOOOO!

I guess Deke and the blonde waitress has some sort of history. Everyone in town hates this guy, so the grumpy old Black cook has to lecture everyone on manners and all customers being equal.

Deke wanders out back to talk to the blonde server, who proceeds to scold him about coming back, thinking people would just forget about the horrible thing he did and blah blah it was terrible and blah blah how could you come back and blah blah WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT!?

Okay, look. I don't know if the writers are trying to build up to the shock or what, but this whole dancing around is annoying. Sure, unnecessary exposition is annoying too, but it's less annoying than whatever this is.

"Deke, I'm very disappointed in that thing you did. Whatever it was."

Some other dude named Billy walks up and there's the usual shaking of penises until blondie orders Billy to get lost so she can continue to scold Deke some more. Deke is mad because she's seeing Billy, blondie tells him to buzz off, then wanders back inside the diner.

At that moment, Sheriff Bumblypants shows up for some good old fashioned hasslin'. He starts hasslin' Deke about being back here in this here town after ten long years.

Everyday I'm hasslin'.

At this point, I'm thinking this horrible thing is probably just Deke knocking blondie up and bugging out. All this drama surely means it's nothing, but then Sheriff Bumblypants drops the M-word. Murder. Apparently, the sheriff takes murder very seriously in his town.

You know, as opposed to all those other sheriffs in other towns that don't take murder seriously.

While the two are making eyes at each other, a blonde deputy with some nice boobs (her uniform shirt was unbuttoned down to her waist) calls the sheriff to report some strange goin's on. He agrees to drop his hasslin' and goes to check it all out. Deke stares sadly at an engagement ring.

Something tells me her uniform is out of regulation.

Sheriff Bumblypants grumpily arrives in a random field and complains that police work is taking away from his quality Deke hasslin' time. Random local, Mr. Davenport, shows him some sort of meteorite smoking in a field. Sheriff Bumblypants says it "looks like some kind of meteor or somethin'." On the ball that one is.

He complains that they need to figure out what it is because the last thing he needs right now is a "damn UFO convention." It must cut into valuable Deke hasslin' time.

There's some sort of history going between the sheriff and the guy who found the meteorite because Sheriff Bumblypants can barely look at the guy. I suspect Davenport and the sheriff had some sort of torrid love affair, but Davenport broke it off because he wanted to go live off the land and didn't approve of Bumblypants's career working for The Man. They still love each other, but the hurt runs too deep.

So, as Bumblypants has barely started his SUV, alien worm things crawl up Davenport's pants. He looks mildly disgusted, like he just stepped in dog poo.

"Oh man! Aliens crapped on my lawn again!"

As his screams go unnoticed by the sheriff, Deke, who is farther away, hears something is wrong. However, before he can do anything, Billy shows up with a gang of thugs to do some hasslin' while the sheriff is busy. Deke is tiny and outmatched by the thugs, but has the power of martial arts! He takes out one guy, but his showdown with the others is interrupted by alien hissing in the bushes.

Billy orders his thug to go check it out. The thug's fate is pretty obvious: he's named Carl.

Thug #2 goes to check on Carl, but is accosted by Davenport, who's trying to french kiss--on wait, that's an alien parasite, not his tongue. Whatever.

Anyway, Deke and Billy helpfully stand by and watch, hoping to figure out what math is for.

"So one thug minus one thug is how many thugs?"
"Hurrrrrrrr..."

Billy speeds off in his muscle car and leaves Deke to run away on foot. Deke literally turns around, jogs two steps, and runs right into Sheriff Bumblypants who has been standing there the whole time and couldn't possibly have missed Davenport alien-infect two random thugs, except he is so focused on his Deke hasslin' time that he doesn't give two shits about invaders from outer space.

Naturally, everyone is gone, so the sheriff doesn't have to worry about paying attention to something else. Also, Davenport is now "Murphy" for some reason. The sheriff then proceeds to arrest Deke for reporting that Davenport/Murphy attacked a couple guys. Only it looks and sounds less like arresting and more like Sheriff Bumblypants and Deke have a little sump'n sump'n going on.

This is completely out of context because it's funnier that way.

Bonus: A little sump'n sump'n.

Bootleg Disney Princess Beautiful Music Computer and sorry for the AFK

Well, technically not AFK since I've been at my computer doing stuff. It's mostly school that's got me busy. I'm keeping up with my Tumblr because all I have to do is post a photo and snarky caption and then go pretend I'm not procrastinating whereas here there's a lot more words and HTML tags and...yes, okay, I fail.

Anyway, I'm trying to post things. It will be sporadic. I'm trying to finish some bad movie recaps, a few posts, and other stuff, but I cannot promise regular posting.

Also, I got a new cat.

Anyway, you want the terrible bootleg computer thing. Please enjoy this video.

Bad Movie Night: Hansel and Gretel

Finals tomorrow? What finals?

Again, all in stream-of-consciousness notes. So if you haven't seen it, it won't make much sense. If you have, it probably still doesn't.

Update: I did a watch-a-long with a friend, who posted our discussion on her blog. Please enjoy.

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Gary Sanchez productions bump is a little ominous. I always drink my coffee while armed.

So the kids have a really nice beds, despite living in a crappy cabin. It's almost like the set designer (apparently I didn't finish this sentence before getting distracted. I wonder what I was going to say.)

Uh, who the fuck grabs a chunk of a house and decides to eat it?

That witch has a poor understanding of nutrition. If she really wants Hansel to get plump enough to eat, she'd be loading him up on saturated fats, not just sugar.

I don't remember the fairy tale being this stabby.

HISTORY MEANS NOTHING TO OUR STORYBOARD ARTISTS!

So what happened to their parents? Was it witches? I bet it was witches. I'm not sure where I got this idea.

Ye olde milk carten missing children notices.

So what's the German word for "hillbillies?" Or "fucking hillbillies."

Witches, man.

Gretel's boobs appear to change size depending on whether her face is in the shot. I guess stunt boobs were in order.

Apparently the German word for "hillbilly" is Hinterwäldler. So there you go.

So Ye Olde Supercuts specialize in grease and dirt.

Oh look, a strange hot woman shows up in the middle of a forest. Is she a witch? I bet she's a witch. I'm not sure what tipped me off.

If witches can make themselves look normal, how did Hansel and Gretel know the hot ginger in the town square wasn't a witch?

Awww, they have Ye Olde Fanboyes!

Man, witch parties must be a real downer. Always hanging around a cauldron, hissing at fire and peeling bits of skin off.

The ginger totally is a witch. She's so clean compared to everyone else. That's probably why they wanted to burn her at the stake to begin with.

A witch forced Hansel to stuff himself with candy and now he has to take an injection or else he'll die? So, witch-induced diabetes?

Witch kung fu. One of the lesser known martial arts.

A taser...because fuck history.

If it wasn't for the skin rot, being a witch looks pretty awesome. Flying, throwing fireballs, laser wands...

How stupid is that kid? Just remove the damn bone from the lock!

More witch benefits: Instant kung fu abilities, awesome outfits. And derpy witch has a pretty awesome look.

"Yeah, so I'm just hanging upside down from a tree, unconscious and bloody. Sure, I'm all right.

Oh yes, the old "the pool has healing waters so let's get naked" pick up line. Works every time.

Oh come on! She can take on witches, but not three unwashed schlubs?

Awww, the troll has a little crush on Gretel. It's so sweet how he smashes trees into guys and crushes their heads.

I don't know what's in that white goop the troll found at the waterfall, but I'm not sure I'd wat it in my wounds.

So, Edward. Edward the troll. Does he have a brother Larry?

So Edward the troll says he serves witches, Gretel has some sort of powers, and there's witch stuff around. I'm going to say that they're witches from a family of witches and good witches exist, but they don't know blah blah witches.

Called it!

Called the ginger woman too. Totally a witch. You can tell the good witches because they take baths and do the laundry on a regular basis.

"...the greatest sabbath of all!" Ozzy?

OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE! Where did the time machine come from? Because how else did that Gatling gun get in his wagon?

Awww, Edward came from a booty call!

Jeez, that is indeed a lot of witches. A lot of witches with gout.

So, an expandable shotgun. Because fuck it, we're going for broke.

So shotguns and Gatling guns are effective against witches. Good to know.

Look out for legless witch! She's like the zombie torso hiding in the high grass!

OH COME ON! A fucking double crossbow?

Yeah, you go Gretel! Help Edward!

Surfing witch didn't do so well. Too bad, cause I kind of liked her.

What the ever loving fuck is that magic bullet?

Aaaaand now a defibrillator. Because why not?

That's it, I'm looking up the IMDB trivia.

"In an interview with Famke Janssen at Cannes 2011, she stated that she took her role as the head witch because she had to pay off her mortgage." - So how does she explain Hemlock Grove?

NO! Not ye olde fanboye! He never even got to touch nipple!

"In the movie, Hansel is diabetic as a result of his experience in the gingerbread house as a child. In the original script, Gretel was also supposed to have an eating disorder as a result of her childhood trauma, but it was cut from the final version." - Few people know that witches are the number one cause of childhood diabetes.

By the way, you kill witches the same way you do zombies: removing the head. Food for thought.

Wait, ye olde fanboye is alive? Was he wearing ye olde kevlar? Oh wait, no. Just shot in the shoulder. 'Cause that's nothing.

Hansel and Gretel have 99 problems and witches ain't one. Wait, yes they are. My bad.

Is that desert witch supposed to look like a fish or a lizard? Eh, fuck it.

OH COME ON! Machine gun pistols now?

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Well, I'm not sure what to think. What was with that magic bullet? Which time traveler is supplying Hansel and Gretel with machine guns, tasers, defibrillators, and record players? Why didn't the gingerbread house melt in the rain after all these years? Why didn't more heads get squished? Who was that mysterious surfing witch and why don't we know more about her? So many questions, so few hopes of them answered. Especially since Janssen's mortgage is probably paid off now.

Can't post, trapped under library collapse

Home stretch of finals. One more week to go in this term. *flails helplessly and drowns in musty pages*

Here, have a gif I made of a muscle guy.

Thrift Store Fuquerie Is My Jam

I'm going to need $100 and a top hat, stat!

This northern pike is just happy to be loved.

I'm A Minor Duchess Of Broken Promises

...like posting regularly. I keep promising to do it and then I don't. It's a combination of running out of time and not getting a chance to explore thrift stores. Also, my favorite antique mall closed down! That's where I found so much awesome and horrible stuff! Now I have to go find another one. I spent a year cultivating that source and now it's gone without even so much as a snippy email.

After being thoroughly irradiated (twice over), I spent all day yesterday driving around town to thrift stores, flea markets, taxidermy places, and finally the Japanese market because I really wanted lychee gummies. I didn't get to half my fuckery list, which is probably good because I'm currently procrastinating my research paper that's due on Monday. The one I haven't written yet.

Oops.

I found stuff, but I am swamped to the gills for the next three weeks. I passed my criminal background check (it helps if you bury the bodies really deep) and will start my volunteer job next week, which will make my time crunch worse.

Also, a lot of my time suck has been a really terrible book I'm reading. Normally, I can devour a piece of zombie genre fluff in a day or two, but this has taken me weeks. Why? Because it's so terrible, it's an amazing work of art that I need to inflict upon share with everyone I know via carefully documented snippets and long discussions. It's so bad, I'm baffled as to how this got published with Permuted because the author failed to get so much as an elementary school student to edit for him. I am finally 3/4 of the way through and I am dreading the end because then I won't have any more of it to read. It's that amazing.

If you're into reading amazingly terrible books, please please get this one! I'm reading the Kindle version, so I don't know if the print edition was properly edited. I hope not. I'd hate to think people reading the print version are missing out on so much glory. I'm going to have to post about this book here because it deserves to be known.

Anyway, that's where my time has gone. But hey, I'm not completely devoid of fuckery! My Tumblr page is chugging along with finds. I know, I could be posting here, but I can queue Tumblr posts from my phone the moment I take the photo, so it's so easy. It's like magic. Fuckery magic. The magic of fuckery. Please, go follow my Tumblr if you are jonesing for fuckery.

In the meantime, please enjoy this delightful magic space whale coffee table:

There is no way this could be anything but magical.

WTF Wednesday: Derpy Cougar and Coyote Faces

I went to The Corner Shoppe Mall in Austin yesterday because taxidermy. At their delightfully whimsical store filled to the brim with all sorts of dead animals, I found the new love of my life. Now, I've never wanted a taxidermy feline before. Given my almost religious love of cats, it seems a little sacrilegious and I need all the good karma I can get. However, this magnificent beast would be an exception to that rule.

I give you, the gorgeous, amazing, one-of-a-kind, Derpy Cougar:

Look at that magnifiderp creature!

Flea Market Fuquerie: Another Blast From The Past

I've been sick this week, so I haven't been back to my usual haunts. However, I had ample time to download all the pictures that have been accumulating on my cell phone's SD card for three years. I found a few bits of entertainment for you.

Who says you can't find classy furniture in a flea store?

Yes, pretty much everyone.

A Thrift Store Without Clowns?

I know, that sounds impossible, right? Well, it's true. On my way home from an interview, I stopped at what appeared to be a magical place: Texas Thrift Store. It was a thrift store with Texas in the name! Surely it would be filled with wonders!

I was very, very wrong. It was lacking in fuckery. Not even a clown in sight. I was disheartened, to say the least. However, please enjoy the few pictures, some of which are quality fuckery.


Lifeless dolls wait for an unsuspecting child to carry them home. Then, they will come to life.

Horrible, horrible life.

3 Cats + 1 Live Crawfish = Confusion

I'm slacking, I know. I'm having to be a responsible adult and all and it cuts into my fuckery time. I'm just as annoyed about this as you are.

However, I was able to entertain myself with some feline-related antics. The grocery store was selling live crawfish and I decided I needed one to bring home to befuddle the cats. They made me buy a whole pound and in retrospect, I should have taken advantage of that a bit more.


"Is it food? A toy? This hurts my feline brain!"

Lily enjoyed flipping it on its back, then walking away as the crawfish flailed helplessly.

"BOW BEFORE ME, WORTHLESS FELINE, FOR I AM THE CRAWFISH GOD!!"

Thanks to Michaela Grey for the perfect caption.

WTF Wednesday: Some Randomness For Your Enjoyment

For those of you not looking at my Tumblr, here's a few pictures I found in the dregs of my old cell phone's storage card.


I need this movie. It's not a want, it's a need.

"Let me use this boat of sunbathing girls as my gun."

Texas: Land of Metal Monsters

Any fans of The Bloggess will know Beyonce, the giant metal chicken. Well, it turns out giant metal chickens aren't the only metal creatures gracing the state of Texas. Just about anything you can think of comes in metal animal form. Well, maybe not anything I can think of. Because some of the things I can think of don't translate well to welded sculptures. It's probably for the best.

Anyway, these things are everywhere. I've seen them at gas stations, roadside stands, antique stores, flea markets, grocery stores, even department stores that are probably very confused about the whole thing. Naturally, I would be remiss in my duties if I didn't show you some of the fabulous creatures wandering about.

This is the rare breed of donkey that originated from a very confused mating with a Slinky.

Then a threesome with a plunger-footed booby.

Bad Movie Night: Battleship

If you haven't seen it, feel free to ignore this post and wander off. Otherwise, please continue.

I am not going to do my usual running synopsis because I don't want to overdo it before I embark on writing my paper. Plus, I already started snarking at this movie to someone in chat and I'm too lazy to start over. Hence the disjointed comments.

Da Vinci's Demons turned out to be nothing what the description said, so I needed something else to watch. I was in the mood for explodey and/or scifi thingies. So for some ungodly reason, I turned on Battleship.

First of all, no way the Navy would take that guy, not with a drunk and disorderly with breaking and entering. Not in this day and age. Also, no fucking way this guy would be a damn officer, come on! My brother can't join the Navy as an officer because his GPA from his first degree (he's working on his second) is slightly below their requirement. Also, with his constant lateness and fighting... (Hopper, not my brother).

Assuming Hopper is the same as burrito idiot.

I imagine this is how the conversation went during research:

Hollywood: "The military, how does it work?"
The Military: "Dude, we've been working together for a century. How do you not know this stuff by now?"
Hollywood: "Boooooooobs..."

The Undying Horror of Clowns

In case you missed the title, this post is about those terrifying painted demons, the scourge of birthday parties everywhere: clowns.

Clown * /kloun/ *
noun
1. An unholy beast from the depths of hell, who spreads terror on the earth.
2. A species of tchotchke painted to look like a grotesque caricature of a person.

3. Someone's mistaken idea of funny.

Fortunately, someone was able to entomb Walter before he could eradicate the dreams of all children.

No matter what he tries to tell you, he's not wonderful.

WTF Wednesday: Taxidermy Everywhere

Taxidermy is one of those things that never occurred to me could be something horrible and magical. I grew up in a hunting and fishing household and dad would occasionally get some things stuffed for display. On Christmas, we hung ornaments on the small mouth bass and mallard duck by the door. Occasionally, they would get a jaunty red bow for extra festiveness. It also didn't occur to me that turkey beards was something most people didn't know about, much less use as decor.

Recently, I've been looking at taxidermy in a whole new light. The whole thing is strange and unsettling and wonderful. It's demented, but also amazing. So naturally, I have to share a little of the wtf I've found over the past year. Yes, some of this has been posted before. So sue me.


I imagine this is the last thing you see before hearing the sound of the front door locking behind you.

We warned you not to take that handyman job from Old Man Jenkins.

Of Bear Heads and Jungle Expeditions

So I've been busy and by "busy," I mean "goofing around doing pointless shit." That's why my Saturday blog post actually got posted on Sunday morning, even though I cleverly backdated it for Saturday so you think I wasn't goofing off.

So what was I doing? Well, first of all, I heard Kohl's had an inflatable bear head for $4. Yes, you heard right. Instead of being responsible and working on Saturday's post, homework, or everything else I'm procrastinating, I was buying a goddamn four dollar inflatable bear head and quietly installing it above the bed to see if anyone would notice:

It was noticed.

Fuquerie From the Live Blogging Event

I have good news and bad news. The good news is, this post has no clowns, taxidermy, or old racist crap! The bad news is, I have enough pictures of each for their own posts. The really bad news is I have enough pictures of clowns for five posts and counting.

The following pictures were taken during my impromptu live Tumblr blogging event. It's like Christmas all over again, if Christmas was the previous year's gifts that crazy Aunt Mabel dug out of the trash, even though we could have sworn we buried them deep under rotting lettuce and used tissues.

This sinister sheep is watching you. It knows what you did to grandma's quilt.

It won't tell, as long as you do exactly what it says, no questions asked.

Bless the Internet

Because without it, how in the world would we ever have known about this?

Naked woman chases naked man carrying a sex doll through Beijing

Ancient Machines of Yesteryore

Remember back in the day when we knew why it was called "dialing" to make a call and once a letter was typed, Wite-Out was your only salvation to get that paper in on time? No?

Uh, kids, I recommend you go get grandma or grandpa to help you out with this one.

This is an early cell phone. It was attached to the wall, had no buttons, and couldn't browse the internet because there was no internet.

In other words, nothing like a cell phone.

3D Magic Space Jesus

In my first post about Bussey's Flea Market, I introduced the laser disco Virgin Mary clock, one of the most beautimous things I've found in my fuckery adventures. There's also the 3D Jesus crucifixion clock, which adorns the guest room wall, somehow keeping people from wanting to stay overnight.

In the dark recesses of a Chinese bootleg import booth, I found a collection of 3D Jesus wall art. Naturally, I was intrigued. Of course, I couldn't resist the 3D Last Supper for when we have guests.

It's two Last Suppers in one!

Bussey's Flea Market: Postapocalypse Now

North of San Antonio is a place so amazing, I've been there more times than any non-hoarder should. I've posted about this place before because it's too amazing for just one post.

You know how post-apocalyptic movies always have those scenes where the protagonist enters the bustling market hub where people are bartering, shady deals are going down in back alley rooms, and there's an undercurrent of any moment, someone clad in leather is going to be chasing a cyborg down the aisle?

That, my friends, is Bussey's Flea Market (only with more sno-cones). 

Does the giant armadillo sign promise anything less than magic?

AHHH! *muppet flail* and Sorely Needed Update

^^That's me as I realize a week has gone by and I haven't posted anything. I've been a little distracted. First of all, a new term of school started and suddenly I'm in the middle of midterms again. Then there was that whole Martian Death Plague thing. Then in my free time, I was utterly wrapped up in my mission to get my damned lavender 1980s bike to work with a modern fluid trainer (I failed), and exploring the world for fuckery material (I succeeded).

Also, there was that whole live blogging fuckery thing on Tumblr. 

I kind of forgot to mention that, didn't I?

Yeah, so I have a Tumblr. It's a lot of stuff from this blog that's been reposted there, but there's also stuff that hasn't been posted here, as well as a lot of random stuff from the past, and general randomness. You can find the Tumblr here: http://fuquerie.tumblr.com/

I did a live blogging event last week where I took a day trip to several different flea markets and other roadside wtfs. I uploaded pictures of fuckery as I found them, so viewers could experience the "why the hell does that exist?" along with me. The combination chainsaw sculpture and RV park was closed, but it was a total success otherwise.  This was more an impromptu test to see if my replacement phone was up to the task (it was). I'd love to do it again and promise a scheduled live blogging will be announced.

Other things in the works:

* I thoroughly explored the post-apocalyptic flea market for several days and came away with a boatload of hilarious bootleg goodies. I will make a post about it and I also plan on having an auction for mystery grab bags of bootleg stuff. 

* The pictures from the live blogging will be made into a post soon, most likely broken up into multiple parts because there's a lot of pictures.

* Clown posts are still being planned. There's a whole lot of clowns out there and my clown folder is bursting with horror. 

* Peeps bunnies were at Big Lots for a dollar a box. I'm planning a diorama. Fortunately, Peeps last forever.

Thrift Store Fuquerie: Sorta Meh Edition

After I got myself labeled by the nurse as a complete weirdo, I went to the nearby Goodwill and Salvation Army stores. They never fail to disappoint.

I considered getting this to hang next to Napkin Cat, but six bucks was a bit steep for some scraps of beach debris.

Note to self: collect trash on beach, glue to board, ???, profit!

Saturday Flea Market Fuquerie Part 2: Disembodied Hillbillies

As mentioned last week, a friend and I went to a flea market together to document the weirdness. These are the things we found once inside...


It's entirely possible this cookie jar is the perfect deterrent to anyone who wants a cookie.

"Go ahead, reach inside. I won't bite..."

Toilet Seat Museum Part 4: Tributes

In this post, I showed you some of the glory that is the Toilet Seat Museum. If you haven't read it yet, go do it right now.

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In Part 4 of my tour of the Toilet Seat Museum, I bring you the beauty of toilet seat tributes.

Alas, poor Pope John Paul II.

Pope dies in his 80s, toilet seat artist still living in his 90s. The world makes sense.

WTF Wednesday

WTF Wednesday is going to be a regular feature around here, but I've been sick with Martian Death Plague and not really up to WTFing it up. So for now, I'm leaving you with these old ads that have been delightfully altered by the guy I tricked into marrying me.

I'd buy it in a heartbeat.

The creepy thing is he didn't alter their faces.

Sixties dad is so cool.

Saturday Flea Market Fuquerie Part 1: Panther Wrangling

A friend and I wandered out to a flea market in search of glorious fuckery and other such wonderful things. There was definitely some choice wtf bits going on, so behold the fruits of our exploits!


I know, this straw angel doesn't look creepy enough. Keep staring.

Like peppers, it's the slow burn that gets you the most.

Toilet Seat Museum Part 3: Places, Everyone!

In this post, I showed you some of the glory that is the Toilet Seat Museum. If you haven't read it yet, go do it right now.

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In Part 3 of my tour of the Toilet Seat Museum, I bring you some of the location-based toilet seats.

Colorado, state of legal weed and yuppies.

Okay, fine, all that other stuff too.

High School 1958 vs 2012: Darlene's Toolbox

As talked about in this post, I am going to write my own versions of that idiotic "High School 1958 vs 2008/2009/2010/2011/2012" thing that has been plaguing the internet. Please enjoy my interpretation of nonexiestant Scenario 11...

Spotted Dick: An Adventure In Taste

For those of you who are too busy being pervs to know what spotted dick is, it's a fruited bread pudding from England. For those of us who know what spotted dick is, it's damn funny no matter what.

I am a fan of bread pudding, but I have never had spotted dick before (that's what she said!). Other than making it myself, which sounded suspiciously like work, my options were to 1) fly to England or, 2) buy it at the store. Since I suspect that Texans are banned from the UK, I had to go with the purchase option. Fortunately, it just so happens that the local grocery store carries canned spotted dick imported from England.

Oh boy, and it's microwaveable too!

How to Get Divorced In Three Simple Steps

1. Happily take a hideous clown portrait off your friend's hands.
2. Quietly install it in your spouse's bathroom while s/he is asleep.
3. Snicker yourself to sleep.

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I didn't get served with divorce papers, but the portrait is now mysteriously missing.

Bussey's Flea Market Fuquerie (with bonus video!)

Finding Bussey's Flea Market was like finding a magical world of wonder wrapped up in knockoff goods, hoarders junk, delightful crafts, and topped with a sno-cones and nachos with suspicious yellow sauce. If society collapses and we're forced into a barter culture, I imagine it would look just like Bussey's. The sheer size of the place is ridiculous and I still haven't seen it all after two trips.

Believe me, there was a whole lot of wtf around, but there was more than I could really get to in time. So my documentation of the wonder that is Bussey's will probably be an ongoing project.

Need licensed character pinatas at knockoff prices?

Somewhere, there's a label that says "Genuine Sorny."

Toilet Seat Museum Part 2: Hobbies and Occupations

In this post, I showed you some of the glory that is the Toilet Seat Museum. If you haven't read it yet, go do it right now.

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In Part 2 of my tour of the Toilet Seat Museum, I bring you a choice selection of hobby and occupation related toilet seats.


Quilting, that age-old hobby by master artists and amateurs alike.

I have no idea what half those doohickeys are.

High School 1958 vs 2012: The Birch Tree

As talked about in this post, I am going to write my own versions of that idiotic "High School 1958 vs 2008/2009/2010/2011/2012" thing that has been plaguing the internet. Please enjoy my interpretation of nonexistent Scenario 10...

I know this post isn't funny

I can't be funny all the time.

I recently tried to join the BlogHer network. I still don't know if I got in or not, but while working on my
application, I found myself stuck figuring out in which category my blog would be listed. This is primarily a humor blog, but humor was't an option. In fact, there were a lot of category options missing that really should be in a network dedicated to promoting female bloggers. What categories were missing?

Science isn't a category. Closest was "Technology and Web." So where's the geologist blogger going to go? Where's the anthropologist blogger? Where's the marine biologist blogger going to go other than  "Pets or Animals?" What if I just want to read science blogs written by women? In fact, I do want to read science blogs written by women. I love reading them! I went to school for hard sciences, so I might be biased in this.

There are four categories dedicated to parenting, but none to CFBC life. Four categories are dedicated to health (Fitness is lumped in with Sports, even though there is already a Weight Loss and a Wellness category), but none to medical science for the blogging female medical professionals. Three categories are dedicated to DIY. The DIY categories are Art & Design, Crafts, and Home & Garden. Nowhere is there a category for the female woodworker or female welder. Female contractor? Female plumber? I'm a woodworker, so I would be interested in reading blogs by females about woodworking.

There are no LGBT category, unless Sex and Relationships counts. There is a Latino issues category, but no African-American issues category (or category for any other minorities). However, there is the obvious Fashion and Beauty and Shopping and Lifestyle categories. I guess because we don't want to ignore the obvious stereotypes of women on a women's blogging network? Science, minorities, LGBT, and hobbyists/professionals other than crafts? Those are apparently not important enough to have categories.

This is disappointing from a website that is supposed to be promoting women. Sexism is embedded in our cultural consciousness and it's hard enough to change the status quo without it being reinforced by our own allies.

Meet Shelly The Clown

I found Shelly the Clown at a local thrift store. He is horrifying and inexplicably made partly out of shells. I made a video of him because nothing says terror like Shelly in moving pictures. For those of you afraid of clowns, turn away now.

Toilet Seat Museum Part 1: The Greatest Place On Earth

Yesterday was my birthday and, being the kind of person I am, I begged my husband to go with me to the Toilet Seat Museum. Him, being the awesome person that he is, agreed.

What's that? You haven't heard of the Toilet Seat Museum? Oh my stars, how can you not know about this absolutely fantastic American cultural icon? What's that? You doubt the Toilet Seat Museum is a cultural icon? Well, I'll have you know that it's such a cultural icon, the Department of Homeland Security has allocated $10 million to protect the Toilet Seat Museum. So there!

About the Toilet Seat Museum: It's run by Barney Smith, a 91 year old man who has been decorating toilet seats for going on 40 years. You can read more in the link above. He is absolutely sweet, very funny, and holy hell, I hope I have that much energy when I get to be that age, provided I make it. His wife (as of this post) is also 91 and they've been married 73 years. She doesn't much care for his toilet seat art hobby. Barney is a retired master plumber and an artist. He's done graphic art professionally and is also a painter, but it was his toilet seats that really brought him fame. Believe me, when it comes to architectural design, he's very good.

Some cool stuff about his hobby: He has people sign a toilet seat that means something to them, whether it's their hobby, occupation, home state, country of residence, etc. My husband signed the librarian toilet seat and the bicycle toilet seat while I signed the toilet seat for my home state. He engraves over the signatures so they will be on the toilet seats for a long time, though he said he has about 2,000 signatures to go and probably won't finish before he dies. He seals the engraving by melting used communion cups from his church and mixing the melted plastic with pigment, then painting over the engraved lines. He's done a lot of his own artwork on the seats and has engraved and sealed them the same way.

There are literally over a thousand toilet seats in the museum. I couldn't photograph them all, but I did get pictures of my 39 favorites. Starting with the WTF and Miscellany in Part 1, please enjoy these pictures I took at the Toilet Seat Museum!

Update: Part 2 of the Toilet Seat Museum visit
Update: Part 3 of the Toilet Seat Museum visit
Update: Part 4 of the Toilet Seat Museum visit

High School 1958 vs 2012: The Dangers of Pornography

As talked about in this post, I am going to write my own versions of that idiotic "High School 1958 vs 2008/2009/2010/2011/2012" thing that has been plaguing the internet. Please enjoy my interpretation of nonexistent Scenario 9...

Is that a speculum in your pants?

So I've been busy and haven't had time to post some stuff I have planned. Don't worry, there's more fuquerie coming soon. Clowns will be involved in some of it. Also, the Toilet Seat Museum, even if I can't find anyone to go with me.

I have nothing entertaining to say right now. So here's a picture of a drawer full of specula and lube I took while at my annual vagina spelunking visit. The nurse caught me taking the picture, so I'm sure there's now a note in my file about what a weirdo I am.

Clutter Control Thrift Store Fuquerie Style

Do you have a clutter problem? Do you know someone with a clutter problem? Are you at a loss as what to do about it? Well, have no fear, I'm here to help!

All your clutter problems can be solved with one simple rule: Chuck it into a thrift store.

Donate, sell on consignment, whatever you want, someone out there will happily take it off your hands.

All those collector plates you were sure were a good investment? Thrift store time!

Somewhere out there is an elderly lady teleporting herself inside this picture.

Belated V-Day Post

I meant to have a Valentine's Day post up, but I never got around to it because I'm the reigning champion of procrastination in at least my subdivision, if not the whole neighborhood. So just pretend that I'm getting an early start for next year.

Please enjoy this selection of old valentines that don't quite make sense or are just a leeeeeetle bit on the sinister side.

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 Translation: I'm going to whore myself to everyone in town until you relent and agree to go out with me.

This plan can't fail!

Adventures in New Computers or Windows 8 Frightens Me

After spending far too long without a computer that does things like "working" (or, for the past two years, "working somewhat okay"), I finally was able to get a new computer. The computer I wanted was about $2000 over my budget and my second choice was $700 over my budget, not including the upgrade to Windows 8 Pro that would then allow me to downgrade to Windows 7.

I admit it, I'm a late adopter. I still have an SNES. I got my first Playstation when the PS2 was considered outdated and it was not only the first generation of Playstation, but I got at a garage sale for twenty bucks. While OSX was moving into new versions, I was stubbornly holding on to OS 8.1. I got my iPad 2 secondhand, refurbished, after the iPad 3 came out, and paid in trade goods. I had only upgraded to Windows 7 from XP last year and only because my computer got whammied and the support desk had no XP install discs. Apparently it's not 2005 anymore. Who knew?

In other words, I'm so far behind the curve, I still haven't seen any of those yellow signs telling me I should slow down or else I'll be flung off the edge of the cliff, tumbling down the mountain and exploding in an awesome fireball.

High School 1958 vs 2012: The Dangers of Firecrackers

As talked about in this post, I am going to write my own versions of that idiotic "High School 1958 vs 2008/2009/2010/2011/2012" thing that has been plaguing the internet. Please enjoy my interpretation of Scenario 7...

Random Flea Market Fuquerie From The Past

I've been flea market and thrift store shopping for weird stuff for about a decade now. I only recently begun to document my finds, but previously I would snap the occasional photo whenever something gave me pause (such pauses were usually in horror, fascination, or snickering). Now and then, I stumble across an old picture I took in an old folder or on a flash drive or some other thing that gets easily lost in the black pit of my desk. So please enjoy these bits of fuquerie from the past.

The tag said they were peaches, but all I saw were "peaches."

High School 1958 vs 2012: The Adventures of Pedro

As talked about in this post, I am going to write my own versions of that idiotic "High School 1958 vs 2008/2009/2010/2011/2012" thing that has been plaguing the internet. Please enjoy my interpretation of Scenario 6...

Napkin Cat: Concepts in Folk Art

While living in Connecticut, I discovered flea markets and thrift stores didn't exist in the amazing complexity they did where I grew up in the south. The markets were only open on the weekends and only during "flea market season," which makes no sense since they are indoors. Despite that, I did manage to find a few horrible and amazing things. One of these things is Napkin Cat.

Folk art at its finest.

Do you see this? Do you see this brilliant and amazing work of art? That, my friends, is a cat made out of torn napkins and masking tape.

According to the seller, this is a piece of genuine "folk art." The tag labels it with "nature," making this a nature-inspired folk art napkin cat.

And it's thirty dollars.

Yes, that price is correct. It's valued at thirty dollars because it's a m'fing napkin cat! I had to have this beautimous thing. However, I couldn't bring myself to spend thirty dollars on an old napkin, no matter how amazing it is. Fortunately, I was able to bargain the seller down and am now the proud owner of Napkin Cat.

It was my sister-in-law who pointed out that Napkin Cat is also suffering from a strange malady where his tail is attached to his front. Or whiskers to his back. It's hard to tell. Either way, I had to share the amazing Napkin Cat with the rest of the world.

Thrift Store Fuquerie: Gem Sweaters, Creepy Dolls, and Vulvas Oh My!

You know a visit to the thrift store is going to be fun when the first thing you see is a gem sweater. For anyone not familiar with gem sweaters, I recommend visiting Leslie Hall.

If Two-Face designed a gem sweater, this is what he'd make. One side understated and looks good at formal events, the other side letting the world know you have no problem murdering everyone in sight at the flip of a coin.

Kids, don't trust any adult wearing one of these non-ironically.

High School 1958 vs 2012: They Never Saw It Coming

As talked about in this post, I am going to write my own versions of that idiotic "High School 1958 vs 2008/2009/2010/2011/2012" thing that has been plaguing the internet. Please enjoy my interpretation of Scenario 5...

WTF Miscellany: Iowa Post Card

I'm a big fan of wtf, as you might have noticed. One thing I collect is boring vintage post cards, which I'll probably blog about at some point. However, I've noticed that in the world of vintage post cards, there is a whole lot of wtf going on.

While many jokes have timeless appeal, changing cultures and society have their own special humor. For example, airline food isn't much of a joke these days, having been replaced by commentary on TSA rectal exams. Prince Albert in a can has fallen out of fashion and there's no indication that Prince William is going to be cramming himself in steel containers anytime soon.

So when I come across some comedic vintage postcards, the humor is often utterly lost on me (especially Victorian and Edwardian postcards. You people be crazy). Or in the case of this Iowa post card, the humor isn't lost so much as I wonder what they were smoking.

If my Iowa farm family is any indication, weed wrapped in cornhusks.

What I've learned about 1909 life in Iowa from this postcard is pretty startling. It appears that Iowa was once plagued with gigantic rabbits that were stripping the landscape bare of any vegetation. This was such a menace to farmers that they had to hire teams of horseless carriage bounty hunters in order to chase these things down and lasso them into submission.

As the caption clearly states, when an Iowegian goes after anything, they get it. How many brave men and women died in the quest to eradicate this rabbit menace, I'll never know. I do know that I salute those brave warriors. Bravo.

Adults! Unusual New Offers!

Remember the 15 Million Lesbians on the Loose? Well, that fabulous magazine was filled with all sorts of ads for porn, lonely men to find escorts, stacks of porn, sex toys, video porn, leg lifts, book porn, mail order brides, comic porn, and did I mention porn? In the midst of this was my favorite ad ever:

Sexist Fuquerie: Disappointing Blog Post Is Disappointing

I've considered doing a post on any sexist fuquerie I've found, but truth be told, there's just so much of it, I don't know if it would be worth it. By "so much of it," I don't mean there's too much to photograph, I mean it's permeated our society so much, we don't even notice it.


So as a consolation prize, here's a picture of that Victorian humor I've warned you about:

Pickles seem a little too acidic for that sort of use.

High School 1958 vs 2012: Revenge is Best Served Warren Ellis Style

As talked about in this post, I am going to write my own versions of that idiotic "High School 1958 vs 2008/2009/2010/2011/2012" thing that has been plaguing the internet. Please enjoy my interpretation of Scenario 4...

WTF Ads: Lanolin Lift!

Every once in a while, I come across an ad that makes me stop and think "Wtf am I seeing?" (Okay, so that happens a lot more often than "every once in a while.")

This ad for Helene Curtis lanolin shampoo is just such an ad. At first glance, it doesn't seem that weird. Okay, I lied. At first glance, it's still weird and the more you look at it, the weirder and more terrifying it becomes.

Hi! I'm going to murder you in your sleep!

From what I gather, when someone opens this shampoo, a disembodied head springs out, screaming "Give your hair a lanolin lift!" as it jiggles back and forth on its spring. The head is frozen in an uncanny mask of forced cheer, eyes glazed and long dead. There's nothing inside that head, only sorcery.

Also, those disembodied heads have to come from somewhere. You can't just go down to the corner store and buy a disembodied head (believe me, I've tried). So where is Helene Curtis getting these heads? Are they from people who returned the shampoo in dissatisfaction? Is it somewhere in the fine print that users must undergo decapitation in the name of lanolin? Where is the FDA on this? And why doesn't this head's hair look as twinkly as the ad promises?

Thrift Store Fuquerie: Now With More Hairy Horror

I love having a Thrift Town just down the street. It's always got some enjoyable weirdness. Such as....

This candleholder, which is made from festering boils.

Jubilee: More Fun With Movies

Jubilee is a 1978 classic about Queen Elizabeth time traveling to the future and discovering a wasteland of apathy and pointlessness. I assume "Queen Elizabeth" is code for "the viewer."

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The movie starts out with Queen Elizabeth's court midget bringing in the greyhounds...for no apparent reason. Then we switch to Queen Elizabeth who's asking her Sorcerer to show her the future. He does some magic and brings up a goth in a black spandex bodysuit who waxes philosophical and shows them a vision of the future.

Thrift Store Fuquerie On the Loose!

I have no idea why this might have ended up here...