Please enjoy this selection of old valentines that don't quite make sense or are just a leeeeeetle bit on the sinister side.
Translation: I'm going to whore myself to everyone in town until you relent and agree to go out with me.
|This plan can't fail!|
In all likelihood, this guy isn't wearing any pants.
|When I think of romance, I think of naked Spaniards with deformed skulls.|
Ahhh, Valentine's Day. A day when little boys commit armed robbery for internal organs. Good times.
|They taste best when coming from girls wearing polka dots.|
The only reason I figure this valentine exists is a passive-aggressive way of asking for a divorce.
|The heart on the left is pissed about this whole situation.|
Translation: Where's my cut?
|Prostitutes need cards too.|
"Why yes, stinging myself with a bee while sitting around in my underwear is how I'd rather spend my Valentine's Day, thanks!"
|The arrows? Those are in case I need to murder some innocent creature.|
"I know what you like. I dig through your trash can every week to find out your secrets."
|The creep isn't even holding a book.|
"Just letting you know that I love you and all the others too, I suppose."
|Hell, I'm not good at this.|
"I'm going to nail a critical internal organ to this board. Chicks dig that way more than some cheesy chalk drawing!"
|Why do I feel so cold?|
"Look, lady, I already told you I don't do warranty repairs. You're gonna have to call the manufacturer."
|No, I don't have their number. Have you heard of Google?|
"I'm in love with someone else STOP I want a divorce STOP We can still be friends STOP"
|Kids, ask your grandparents STOP|
Everyone said Mr. And Mrs. Staid had a respectable marriage.
|Though everyone was surprised when the gardener stumbled on their secret BDSM chamber.|
"Sir, I will be taking up a complaint with your employer! Such manhandling of my package is not to be tolerated!"
|"Lady, just sign the receipt so I can finish my route."|
Or whatever. I don't care. My obligation is over for the year.
|Jeez, what else did you want from me?|
It wasn't easy since I never wanted to marry you in the first place, but there ya go.
|Even the dog is unimpressed.|
If someone gives you this card, do not go to Makeout Point with him/her.
|Yes, there is rope and an axe in the trunk.|
"What the hell did you think I meant when I told you I wanted your hot sausage?"
|"So when you said you wanted me to grab your melons, you weren't talking about picking out produce?"|
"I mean, you just left 15 minutes ago and you said you'd call, but you haven't and you swore you were just going to the store, but I could see in your eyes you were thinking of her..."
That vibrating I'm feeling is not coming from your heart.
|Leave the cake.|
Mailing children along with bouquets used to be a favored Valentine's Day practice until the CDC stepped in.
|It turned out to be a good way to spread street urchin germs.|
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