Friday, February 15, 2013

Belated V-Day Post

I meant to have a Valentine's Day post up, but I never got around to it because I'm the reigning champion of procrastination in at least my subdivision, if not the whole neighborhood. So just pretend that I'm getting an early start for next year.

Please enjoy this selection of old valentines that don't quite make sense or are just a leeeeeetle bit on the sinister side.


 Translation: I'm going to whore myself to everyone in town until you relent and agree to go out with me.
This plan can't fail!


In all likelihood, this guy isn't wearing any pants.
When I think of romance, I think of naked Spaniards with deformed skulls.

Ahhh, Valentine's Day. A day when little boys commit armed robbery for internal organs. Good times.
They taste best when coming from girls wearing polka dots.

The only reason I figure this valentine exists is a passive-aggressive way of asking for a divorce.
The heart on the left is pissed about this whole situation.

Translation: Where's my cut?
Prostitutes need cards too.

"Why yes, stinging myself with a bee while sitting around in my underwear is how I'd rather spend my Valentine's Day, thanks!"
The arrows? Those are in case I need to murder some innocent creature.

"I know what you like. I dig through your trash can every week to find out your secrets."
The creep isn't even holding a book.

"Just letting you know that I love you and all the others too, I suppose."
Hell, I'm not good at this.

"I'm going to nail a critical internal organ to this board. Chicks dig that way more than some cheesy chalk drawing!"
Why do I feel so cold?

"Look, lady, I already told you I don't do warranty repairs. You're gonna have to call the manufacturer."
No, I don't have their number. Have you heard of Google?

"I'm in love with someone else STOP I want a divorce STOP We can still be friends STOP"
Kids, ask your grandparents STOP

Everyone said Mr. And Mrs. Staid had a respectable marriage.
Though everyone was surprised when the gardener stumbled on their secret BDSM chamber.

"Sir, I will be taking up a complaint with your employer! Such manhandling of my package is not to be tolerated!"
"Lady, just sign the receipt so I can finish my route."

Or whatever. I don't care. My obligation is over for the year.
Jeez, what else did you want from me?

It wasn't easy since I never wanted to marry you in the first place, but there ya go.
Even the dog is unimpressed.

If someone gives you this card, do not go to Makeout Point with him/her.
Yes, there is rope and an axe in the trunk.

"What the hell did you think I meant when I told you I wanted your hot sausage?"
"So when you said you wanted me to grab your melons, you weren't talking about picking out produce?"

"I mean, you just left 15 minutes ago and you said you'd call, but you haven't and you swore you were just going to the store, but I could see in your eyes you were thinking of her..."

That vibrating I'm feeling is not coming from your heart.
Leave the cake.

Mailing children along with bouquets used to be a favored Valentine's Day practice until the CDC stepped in.
It turned out to be a good way to spread street urchin germs.

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