Thursday, January 24, 2013

High School 1958 vs 2012: Revenge is Best Served Warren Ellis Style

As talked about in this post, I am going to write my own versions of that idiotic "High School 1958 vs 2008/2009/2010/2011/2012" thing that has been plaguing the internet. Please enjoy my interpretation of Scenario 4...

Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1958: Billy says he's sorry and pays for the damages by mowing his neighbor's lawn. As he mows, he seethes over the beating he's suffered. He wants revenge and all this lawn mowing gives him plenty of time to plan. He throws himself into his studies, eschewing all other interactions. His parents worry, but are convinced he's going to NASA to become an astronaut. Billy does go to NASA, but he is not going to become an astronaut, oh no. Billy joins a top-secret government experiment designed to increase intelligence. It works better than anyone could hope, but Billy isn't satisfied. He wants more! More intelligence, more power! NASA starts to get worried and mothballs the program, but Billy won't be deterred. He sneaks into the facility and pours every remaining bit of the project into his body. He comes out of the test chamber a genius beyond anything humans have been able to comprehend. That's when Billy starts his campaign of terror...

2012: Billy sits on his marble throne as Supreme Overlord of Earth, basking in his power. His computer alerts him that his longtime Nemesis has been secured. Billy gets into his hovertank and orders his armed guard to take him an undisclosed location somewhere in the middle of the Nebraska corn mines. Billy steps out of the hovertank, anticipation gleaming in his eyes. He spies the Nemesis, now frail and helpless. Billy strides up to him and points his pistol in the man's face. The man looks up, resignation creasing his weathered face. Billy whispers quietly to him, "You broke your own window and blamed it on me, asshole!" The man's eyes widen and he tries to speak, but is cut down by a blast from Billy's pistol, a cleverly disguised bowel disruptor. The neighbor dies shitting in agony. Satisfied, Billy abandons his position as Supreme Overlord of Earth and quietly retires to a small island where he can live out the rest of his days in peace and naked island women. The rest of the world falls into civil war as the power vacuum left by Billy's sudden departure creates rifts and alliances among his advisers.

2066: The world has broken into nation-states and a fragile peace exists. Archaeologists stumble across the island where Billy lived his final days. They find the island filled with dozens of Billy's offspring, all genetically engineered to be exact clones of him. The world military decides to nuke the island from orbit, just to be sure.

2120: A giant lizard creature emerges from the depths, heading straight towards New Tokyo...

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