Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Jubilee: More Fun With Movies

Jubilee is a 1978 classic about Queen Elizabeth time traveling to the future and discovering a wasteland of apathy and pointlessness. I assume "Queen Elizabeth" is code for "the viewer."


The movie starts out with Queen Elizabeth's court midget bringing in the greyhounds...for no apparent reason. Then we switch to Queen Elizabeth who's asking her Sorcerer to show her the future. He does some magic and brings up a goth in a black spandex bodysuit who waxes philosophical and shows them a vision of the future.

It seems this is a post apocalypse sort of world, ruled by punk gangs and baby carriages on fire. The US and USSR are apparently not there or something. We're introduced to some female characters straight out of 80s music videos, with their punk rock outfits, assault rifles, and Jem and the Holograms-style makeup. One of them has cropped orange hair and seems very, very angry.

Our fierce gang is then shown sitting for a literature reading inside, performed by their "heroine" in a pink 60s sweater set, complete with three string pearl necklace. Though her hair is bleached and hair sprayed straight up with neon pink and black Jem-esque face makeup because it's so rad. She speaks of history and the way the world was. I guess. I was too distracted trying to read all the profanity spray painted on the wall behind her to listen to what she was saying.

Then the scene switches to the Heroine ballerina dancing around a bonfire of books for a while. There's a couple guys in the background wearing masks made to look like the faces on Greek statues. One of the guys is full frontal naked and stands proudly still as the Heroine ballet dances around him, like one does when confronted by a ballerina in the wild.

The scene moves back to our Heroine who's organizing her library. After some reflection on the nature of the world, she accidentally breaks her Winston Churchill mug, which makes her quite upset. After some more random scenes doing random stuff, she gets in a fight with Angry Girl over history or some crap.

A woman in a visor shows up and reveals she's stolen the crown jewels. She puts the Queen's crown on her head and dances around. The scene cuts to a boy finding a giant diamond on a dead elderly woman. Meanwhile, Queen Elizabeth, Spandex Goth, the Sorcerer, and the Court Midget show up in the future. The Sorcerer pontificates while the Queen sadly looks at a dead lady and the Court Midget wanders around with a pair of sunglasses and finds the giant diamond when the boy runs away in fright. Naturally.

Next, we find ourselves in a diner watching a pair of leather punks. One is studying and the other is trying to get his attention. She has a crawfish earring, of course.

The girl gang shows up to harass the diner because this is the future and that's what girl gangs do. They set about to having a bite to eat. Angry Girl sets a postcard of New York on fire while stating American never existed. She then takes a bunch of postcards and throws them around while the Visor Girl assaults the diner cashier with ketchup. As one does.

Then the scene switches to a woman and two guys in a black room with a white mattress talking about art in a conversation that goes nowhere. There's the impression that art is outlawed, but who knows with this movie.

Then it goes back to the girl gang who are hanging out. They do stuff. Then it goes to some bald guy in a theater yammering on while a woman feeds him live goldfish. Then the Heroine appears on stage in a Roman helmet, wearing a British flag, and doing a fan dance while she lip-syncs "recycle!" I think she's saying "recycle." Oh, and she's wearing neon green garters and dancing through smoke from a machine. Of course.

We go back to medieval England where the Sorcerer is talking to the Queen about some philosophical stuff while they walk in the garden with the Court Midget. The Sorcerer said something about swimming in blood and time and sings with joy. The walk past the Spandex Goth who pontificates. I'm sure this is supposed to be profound...

But is made all the more wtf by the next scene, which is a couple fucking in red plastic sheets while the Angry Girl watches excitedly and naked Visor Woman wearing the Queen's crown calmly watches the fucking while eating cereal naked.

Then the girl having sex stops the guy from coming and she puts on a gimp mask and she and Visor Woman suffocates him in the plastic sheets while Angry Girl takes Polaroids.

Suddenly, leather punk studying in the diner then walks up to a monument to the great musicians of history and drinks milk while looking emo. He smashes the mostly-full bottle on the ground. Argh! Milk makes me so emo! Emo Punk smash!

Then the girl gang throws the dead body into the river, which is just mud, so he sort of splats and stays there in a comical fashion. I laugh, because it was kind of funny. The girl gang does not find it funny. They don't find it much of anything. They just talk for a while about why they did this and why it was for Gimp Mask's own good.

Then we switch to the Artist in bed, having had a threesome with the two guys. One guy is singing. The Artist gets up, there's a little conversation, then the other guy starts singing and the men hug each other. They're so happy, I hate to tell them that they're in this movie. Fortunately, they can't hear me through the TV.

Back to Emo Punk and Crawfish Earring, who say something that goes by too fast and I miss it. Surely, I'll lose sleep over it.

Then suddenly Angry Girl is dancing in a jumpsuit and Elizabethan collar while Goldfish Man watches from a recording studio. His assistant talks about their record sales and Goldfish Guy says"As long as the music's loud enough, we won't hear the world falling apart." and then giggles for a bit. Dude. So profound!

Emo Punk and Crawfish Earring, who's wearing just undies and the earring, come in to talk to the Goldfish Guy. They talk about a contract. Seems Emo Punk got a gig with Goldfish Guy. He's as happy as his little emo heart can stand.

The scene switches to Artist and her Boytoys. They rip up some roses, try to steal a car, then go to a house with a guy in a Hawaiian shirt and visor. The guy lets them in and they go to the back to find Visor Woman sitting there. Apparently Hawaiian Shirt was a mercenary for a while; now he's just upset about the mildew in his carnations. They talk for a while and the four leave in the car they tried to steal. Hawaiian Shirt waters his flowers. Oh wait, no he doesn't. He waters the ceramic gnomes. I'm guessing the mildewed carnations weren't entirely real.

Emo Punk is now performing on stage, much to Goldfish Guy's utter delight. I am looking at the clock and wishing this movie would be over so I could get back to baking, which is what I was supposed to be doing while this movie was playing. It's impossible to bake and watch this movie at the same time. It's just too distracting. One minute things are just sort of happening, the next WHAM! Full frontal male nudity! How am I supposed to pay attention to anything else?

Where was I? Oh yeah, Goldfish Guy is giggling in happiness over Emo Punk's performance. Emo Punk's friend tells him the music industry is dead and he's better off in the streets. Emo Punk is not convinced. He is a true artist and Goldfish Guy just recognizes talent when he sees it. Goldfish Guy is still giggling like mad.

When the scene switches to an establishing shot of the grungy city, I see how much time is left on this thing. Fuck. I'm only halfway through. I decide to stop for the night and continue my baking with something less distracting on in the background.


I cannot promise I will finish my watching of this movie, but I will try my hardest.

Update: I lied. I'm not at all going to finish this.

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