Monday, June 24, 2013

Bad Movie Night: Hansel and Gretel

Finals tomorrow? What finals?

Again, all in stream-of-consciousness notes. So if you haven't seen it, it won't make much sense. If you have, it probably still doesn't.

Update: I did a watch-a-long with a friend, who posted our discussion on her blog. Please enjoy.


Gary Sanchez productions bump is a little ominous. I always drink my coffee while armed.

So the kids have a really nice beds, despite living in a crappy cabin. It's almost like the set designer (apparently I didn't finish this sentence before getting distracted. I wonder what I was going to say.)

Uh, who the fuck grabs a chunk of a house and decides to eat it?

That witch has a poor understanding of nutrition. If she really wants Hansel to get plump enough to eat, she'd be loading him up on saturated fats, not just sugar.

I don't remember the fairy tale being this stabby.


So what happened to their parents? Was it witches? I bet it was witches. I'm not sure where I got this idea.

Ye olde milk carten missing children notices.

So what's the German word for "hillbillies?" Or "fucking hillbillies."

Witches, man.

Gretel's boobs appear to change size depending on whether her face is in the shot. I guess stunt boobs were in order.

Apparently the German word for "hillbilly" is Hinterwäldler. So there you go.

So Ye Olde Supercuts specialize in grease and dirt.

Oh look, a strange hot woman shows up in the middle of a forest. Is she a witch? I bet she's a witch. I'm not sure what tipped me off.

If witches can make themselves look normal, how did Hansel and Gretel know the hot ginger in the town square wasn't a witch?

Awww, they have Ye Olde Fanboyes!

Man, witch parties must be a real downer. Always hanging around a cauldron, hissing at fire and peeling bits of skin off.

The ginger totally is a witch. She's so clean compared to everyone else. That's probably why they wanted to burn her at the stake to begin with.

A witch forced Hansel to stuff himself with candy and now he has to take an injection or else he'll die? So, witch-induced diabetes?

Witch kung fu. One of the lesser known martial arts.

A taser...because fuck history.

If it wasn't for the skin rot, being a witch looks pretty awesome. Flying, throwing fireballs, laser wands...

How stupid is that kid? Just remove the damn bone from the lock!

More witch benefits: Instant kung fu abilities, awesome outfits. And derpy witch has a pretty awesome look.

"Yeah, so I'm just hanging upside down from a tree, unconscious and bloody. Sure, I'm all right.

Oh yes, the old "the pool has healing waters so let's get naked" pick up line. Works every time.

Oh come on! She can take on witches, but not three unwashed schlubs?

Awww, the troll has a little crush on Gretel. It's so sweet how he smashes trees into guys and crushes their heads.

I don't know what's in that white goop the troll found at the waterfall, but I'm not sure I'd wat it in my wounds.

So, Edward. Edward the troll. Does he have a brother Larry?

So Edward the troll says he serves witches, Gretel has some sort of powers, and there's witch stuff around. I'm going to say that they're witches from a family of witches and good witches exist, but they don't know blah blah witches.

Called it!

Called the ginger woman too. Totally a witch. You can tell the good witches because they take baths and do the laundry on a regular basis.

"...the greatest sabbath of all!" Ozzy?

OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE! Where did the time machine come from? Because how else did that Gatling gun get in his wagon?

Awww, Edward came from a booty call!

Jeez, that is indeed a lot of witches. A lot of witches with gout.

So, an expandable shotgun. Because fuck it, we're going for broke.

So shotguns and Gatling guns are effective against witches. Good to know.

Look out for legless witch! She's like the zombie torso hiding in the high grass!

OH COME ON! A fucking double crossbow?

Yeah, you go Gretel! Help Edward!

Surfing witch didn't do so well. Too bad, cause I kind of liked her.

What the ever loving fuck is that magic bullet?

Aaaaand now a defibrillator. Because why not?

That's it, I'm looking up the IMDB trivia.

"In an interview with Famke Janssen at Cannes 2011, she stated that she took her role as the head witch because she had to pay off her mortgage." - So how does she explain Hemlock Grove?

NO! Not ye olde fanboye! He never even got to touch nipple!

"In the movie, Hansel is diabetic as a result of his experience in the gingerbread house as a child. In the original script, Gretel was also supposed to have an eating disorder as a result of her childhood trauma, but it was cut from the final version." - Few people know that witches are the number one cause of childhood diabetes.

By the way, you kill witches the same way you do zombies: removing the head. Food for thought.

Wait, ye olde fanboye is alive? Was he wearing ye olde kevlar? Oh wait, no. Just shot in the shoulder. 'Cause that's nothing.

Hansel and Gretel have 99 problems and witches ain't one. Wait, yes they are. My bad.

Is that desert witch supposed to look like a fish or a lizard? Eh, fuck it.

OH COME ON! Machine gun pistols now?


Well, I'm not sure what to think. What was with that magic bullet? Which time traveler is supplying Hansel and Gretel with machine guns, tasers, defibrillators, and record players? Why didn't the gingerbread house melt in the rain after all these years? Why didn't more heads get squished? Who was that mysterious surfing witch and why don't we know more about her? So many questions, so few hopes of them answered. Especially since Janssen's mortgage is probably paid off now.

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