Thursday, April 25, 2013

Bad Movie Night: Battleship

If you haven't seen it, feel free to ignore this post and wander off. Otherwise, please continue.

I am not going to do my usual running synopsis because I don't want to overdo it before I embark on writing my paper. Plus, I already started snarking at this movie to someone in chat and I'm too lazy to start over. Hence the disjointed comments.

Da Vinci's Demons turned out to be nothing what the description said, so I needed something else to watch. I was in the mood for explodey and/or scifi thingies. So for some ungodly reason, I turned on Battleship.

First of all, no way the Navy would take that guy, not with a drunk and disorderly with breaking and entering. Not in this day and age. Also, no fucking way this guy would be a damn officer, come on! My brother can't join the Navy as an officer because his GPA from his first degree (he's working on his second) is slightly below their requirement. Also, with his constant lateness and fighting... (Hopper, not my brother).

Assuming Hopper is the same as burrito idiot.

I imagine this is how the conversation went during research:

Hollywood: "The military, how does it work?"
The Military: "Dude, we've been working together for a century. How do you not know this stuff by now?"
Hollywood: "Boooooooobs..."


Oh no! The aliens crashed into Buddha!
Really bad karma there.

Right, dude. The North Koreans totally have this kind of technology...
The US has the most advanced military in the world, but the North Koreans can make force fields...
Force fields that encompass all of Hawaii...

Yes, shoot at the giant thing. You'll be fine.
Yes, your INFLATABLE boat with ONE gun will work.
Have you even looked for the thermal exhaust port?
Yup, worked out perfectly.
What with all the blowing up and stuff.
I'm still not entirely sure why they shot at the alien thingie in the first place. That seems like a terrible idea.

The Japanese sure didn't last long, poor bastards.

Yes, ramming will work so well...

"Hi, I'm a bumblebee. I'm going to ram this human with mah butt!"
Oh great, now wheels of fire are attacking Hawaii. Is someone there going to throw a rock at it?
These aliens are really cranky about being shot at.
Wait, why does Hawaii have such a big highway interchange?
"I will not attack this human child, but I will smash the highway supports so all these other children may die." - Alien robot logic

Park Ranger: "ERMAHGERD! ERLIERNS!"
Hikers: "Okay."

Officer: "If you can't, who can?"
Dramatic Music: "Protaaaaaagoniiiiiist no one belieeeeeveeees iiiiiiinnnnn!"
Audience: "What? NO!"

Sigh, of COURSE the aliens are telepathic...
Either the aliens are terrible tacticians or this movie has some sort of depth that the movie has yet to reveal.
Haha, right. "Depth."

The aliens are apparently out to destroy our technology. Probably so they can use us as slaves. Or snacks. Or sex. One of the three S's.
HUMAN STEEL CANNOT STAND UP TO THE WEIGHT OF ALIEN ARMOR!

Yes, the alien in the armor that can bend steel just by walking, punches a sailor and she can still get up and run. Her head isn't even the least bit crushed.
Alien armor can bend steel just by walking on it, but it's no match for steel cannonballs.
Do they still use cannonballs?
Probably not.
Whatever.
Yes, lady, his advanced alien technology can't hear your gasps, even though it can see your heart through your body.
Those are the most stoned horses ever.

"We're looking at an extinction level event."
Sigh...
Hollywood, I know you just learned a shiny new term, but please try to use it correctly.

OH COME ON!! Their weakness is sunlight?
Fuck me, this is a stupider weakness than Signs.

Wanna hear my impression of Liam Neeson in this movie?
"GRARRRRRHH! RRRRR! YARGLE YARGLE!"

You know what I need? A crappy blender to grind up my empty pistachio hulls.
That will make a better quality item than Battleship. You know why?
Because compost is useful.

Why did the blonde need an explanation about the deep space satellite? If someone said "Our deep space satellite," I'd go "Okay" and leave it at that. And my dad isn't even a schmancy Navy guy.

Oh of course they're hacking the aliens. Because that totally works in fantasy land.
Oh my god, they really are playing Battleship in Battleship. It's Battleshinception!

"Water displacement." Playing Battleship. Because fuck science, that's why!
I still don't understand why a supposedly smart guy doing deep space communication crap while living in Hawaii, which has an important Naval base, would look at a disabled vet and freak out over cyborgs.
Oh wait, comic relief guy.

And naturally, disabled vet will find the will to live, assuming he doesn't die in the process.

Comic relief guy almost popped his alien mind meld cherry there. I think the alien decided he wasn't into nerds.

Oh my god, now the aliens are playing Battleship too!

Wow, this really is boring.
How can they make a movie with aliens and explosions boring?
Then again, the Underworld movies are vampires fighting werewolves and they've been painfully boring since the first one.

And blue. Very, very blue. As is this movie. Because blue filter = ambiance!

OH COME ON!
No way he could make that shot!
The dude isn't even a trained sniper!
Even a trained sniper couldn't do it!

No one ever thinks of dodging sideways when an alien death ball is coming.

Hopper will win the approval of Admiral Liam Neeson for sure after this! And Liam Neeson will look and Hopper and proudly proclaim "GARRRBBB BLARGG RARRRR!"

They're really milking the orange and blue contrast on this.
Explosions are all ORANGE against BLUE!
ORANGE alien lights with BLUE alien lights!
ORANGE satellite against BLUE planet!
Because no other colors exist in Hollywood.

Okay, how the ever loving fuck did they get so close to the islands? They were in the middle of nowhere!
"What do you want us to do? We have no ships left!"
YOU LOSE THE GAME!

Dude, you have BIGGER problems than the firing systems being "analog" on the Missouri.
Oh my fucking god. They're really bringing in the WW2 vets?

This is like the biggest bludgeon in the history of bludgeoning.
ACK! Stop the speech!
Nooooooooo! Make it stop!

You can't just turn on a retired battleship and make it go! Especially one that's a museum now!
It doesn't work that way!
ARGH!

Whyyyyyyyyyyy?
*flails*
The movie! It burns!

Advanced ships in the US Navy couldn't take down the alien whatsits, so some old guys on a museum ship with no ordinance can.
This movie lost all credibility!
...
Not that it had any.
It now has negative credibility.
It's so lacking, it's sucking the credibility out of other movies.


"We're all gonna die." = the most scientifically accurate thing in this movie. Followed by "...but not today," which means none of the writers looked at what they were actually writing.

Oh good job guys, you got a floating legend and elderly heroes all blown up by aliens.
Sigh...sinking the Battleship line.

LOOK AT ALL THAT ORANGE AND BLUE! IT'S AN ORANGE AND BLUESTRAVAGANZA! THERE'S NOTHING THAT ISN'T ORANGE OR BLUE RIGHT NOW! I'M SO HARD FOR THE ORANGE AND BLUE I CAN'T STAND IT!

Aaaand here comes the disabled vet who lost the will to live now deciding he's going to hobble over to the aliens and hit them with his cane or something.

Oh no! The sun! The alien can't fight against its only weakness!

IT'S ORANGE AND BLUE TIME AGAIN! WE DID ORANGE AND BLUE SHIT AND NOW IT'S ALL ORANGE AND BLUE IN VICTORY!

Okay, now everyone gets awards! Let's have an awards party! The protagonist is the hero! He's no longer being kicked out of the Navy for being a total fuck up! He can marry Liam Neeson's daughter and Liam Neeson will go "GGGRRAAAAAGGGGG!"

Hey guys, what about those aliens? You know those aliens? We're not alone in the universe? We were just invaded? They're probably still out to kill us? Hello? Guys?

Guys?

1 comment:

  1. I really wish I had read this before I wasted 2 hours of my life on that movie.

    ReplyDelete