Saturday, April 27, 2013

Texas: Land of Metal Monsters

Any fans of The Bloggess will know Beyonce, the giant metal chicken. Well, it turns out giant metal chickens aren't the only metal creatures gracing the state of Texas. Just about anything you can think of comes in metal animal form. Well, maybe not anything I can think of. Because some of the things I can think of don't translate well to welded sculptures. It's probably for the best.

Anyway, these things are everywhere. I've seen them at gas stations, roadside stands, antique stores, flea markets, grocery stores, even department stores that are probably very confused about the whole thing. Naturally, I would be remiss in my duties if I didn't show you some of the fabulous creatures wandering about.

This is the rare breed of donkey that originated from a very confused mating with a Slinky.
Then a threesome with a plunger-footed booby.







A dildo topped pear plays a 5 string ukulele. Your argument is invalid.
Your argument will always be invalid.





Honestly, these are probably more durable than the plastic ones, especially in winter.
Just don't let the neighbor kid convince you to lick it.





Derp
noun
1. See image below.
Plural: A herp of derps.





"Hey kid, hand me that pack of smokes over there."
"All right, whatta ya gonna order?"





This is what's known as trademark infringement.
I don't remember Papa Smurf looking so angular.





Creepy, creepy trademark infringement.
If you let him hug you, your soul will be trapped in a VHS.





Metal sculpture or victim of Medusa's lesser-known cousin?
Either way, I'll pass on this one.





Worst. Sex toy. Ever.
"Close your eyes, Joey! Don't look at that filth!"





Finally, the most epic giant metal animal ever created:
Words cannot express how much I want this.



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