Saturday, April 20, 2013

The Undying Horror of Clowns

In case you missed the title, this post is about those terrifying painted demons, the scourge of birthday parties everywhere: clowns.

Clown * /kloun/ *
1. An unholy beast from the depths of hell, who spreads terror on the earth.
2. A species of tchotchke painted to look like a grotesque caricature of a person.
3. Someone's mistaken idea of funny.

Fortunately, someone was able to entomb Walter before he could eradicate the dreams of all children.
No matter what he tries to tell you, he's not wonderful.

"Close your eyes and hold out your hand and you'll get a big surprise!"
It may or may not be an eyeball.

This one was frozen in mid boob-grab.
Don't let your guard down. It could come alive any minute.

Kids, be glad that warning label is there. Otherwise, someone might think it's a toy you want for your birthday.
Who would do that in the first place?

The red nose and cheeks suggest blood flows through a clown's veins. This is false.
They only ooze shattered dreams.

Nothing says "neighborhood watch" quite like a clown with a sack of teddy bears.
Ol' Glans Head there doesn't make it less creepy.

This is the last thing you hear before you die.
The packaging is trying way too hard to convince us it's fun.

Someone actually thinks this is acceptable decor for a wall.
Just say no to anal clown sex.

If you pull on the thing hanging down from between its legs, it will "dance." Seems legit.
Kids, the puppy is already dead.

One minute, you're scavenging for supplies. The next, you're confronted by a swarm of clowns. 
This is why it's important to always be armed. Aim for the head.

1 comment:

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